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Suzanne Tenner/SHOWTIME

Image Credit: Suzanne Tenner/SHOWTIME

What If: Ray Donovan on the job at the Emmys

The 2014 Emmy Awards proceeded more or less as expected: Emmys awarded, mediocre jokes delivered, and awkward award speeches recited. Generally a pleasant albeit predictable affair, some issues popped up that could have been dealt with if only Hollywood’s best (fictional) fixer were on the case. Here is how Ray Donovan, played by Liev Schreiber on the titular Showtime drama, would have fixed the Emmys for the better.


 

Problem: Incessant high-pitched chimes accompany every musical interlude as winners walk up to the stage.

Fix: Ray gives the chime-wielding percussionist a choice—the bag or the bat. Either way, no more chimes at the Emmys makes for a much more pleasant evening.

Ray Donovan-Do you want the bag or the bat-


Problem: Despite winning Actor and Supporting Actor Emmys for their work in Sherlock, both Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman are absent from the awards ceremony.

Fix: One encounter with the equally sweet and brutal Avi and the busy British actors miraculously find an opening in their respective schedules. Presumed devout Sherlockian Bridget Donovan is pleased.


Problem: Modern Family wins (again), this time over Netflix darling Orange Is the New Black.

Fix: Ray brings the bat back out again. The ladies of Litchfield wouldn’t have it any other way.


Problem: Ray Donovan receives only one nomination (Jon Voight for Supporting Actor in a Drama) and no wins.

Fix: Excusing for getting a bit meta, Ray has a private meeting with Television Arts and Sciences execs in the parking lot. Next year’s ceremony will most likely fare better for Ray Donovan. Whether that’s due to the end of category dominating Breaking Bad or a parking lot meeting, the world may never know.


Problem: Bryan Cranston ensures Lead Actress in a Comedy winner Julia Louis-Dreyfus remembers his guest starring role on Seinfeld as Tim the dentist Elaine briefly dated.

Fix: There is nothing to fix about this now iconic Emmy moment.

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src="http://www.ew.com/sites/default/files/styles/tout_image_196x134/public/i/2015/03/02/empire-exclusive.jpg?itok=gir_Iayl" width="196" height="134" alt="" title="" /></span> <span class="tout-title">EW editors talk snubs and surprises on Sirius XM</span> </a> </li> <li class="tout"> <a href="http://www.ew.com/article/2015/07/16/2015-emmy-nominations-list"> <span class="tout-image"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="http://www.ew.com/sites/default/files/styles/tout_image_196x134/public/i/%5Bcurrent-date%3Acustom%3AY%5D/%5Bcurrent-date%3Acustom%3Am%5D/%5Bcurrent-date%3Acustom%3Ad%5D/emmy-awards.jpg?itok=_kqJ16B7" width="196" height="134" alt="" title="" /></span> <span class="tout-title">Emmys 2015: And the nominees are ...</span> </a> </li> <li class="tout"> <a href="http://www.ew.com/article/2015/07/16/tatiana-maslany-orphan-black-emmys"> <span class="tout-image"><img typeof="foaf:Image" src="http://www.ew.com/sites/default/files/styles/tout_image_196x134/public/i/2015/06/18/recaps-orphan-black.jpg?itok=PtP34eg4" width="196" height="134" alt="" title="" /></span> <span class="tout-title">Tatiana Maslany's Emmy breakthrough </span> </a> </li> </ul> <div class="see-all-link"> <a href="http://www.ew.com/emmy-awards" class="btn btn-all"> More Emmys 2015 </a> </div> </section> </div> <div class="right-rail"> <!-- Primary Display Ad, 300x250, 300x600 --> <!-- ew_regular_ad:Desktop - Article Primary Display Ad Right rail:74 --> <div class="ad-placeholder" id="ad-slot-f4c7cdf9-6919-4ce9-8e89-47a6cf689a81" data-ad-id="" data-ad-name="ad-slot-f4c7cdf9-6919-4ce9-8e89-47a6cf689a81" data-ad-width="300" data-ad-height="600" data-ad-package="" data-ad-channel="" data-ad-subchannel="" data-ad-contentpage="false" data-ad-contenttype="" data-ad-multisize="true" data-ad-sizes="['300x250','300x600']" data-ad-companion="" data-ad-zone="" data-ad-cmpos="" data-ad-cmtyp="" data-ad-pos="1" style="" ></div> <div class="field field-name-field-ew-ad-size-multi field-type-multifield field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"></div><div class="field-item odd"></div></div></div> <img src="http://img5.timeinc.net/keynote/above_the_fold_1x1.gif" alt="" width="1" height="1" /> <img src="http://img5.timeinc.net/keynote/above_the_fold_1x1.gif" alt="" width="1" height="1" /> <img src="http://img5.timeinc.net/keynote/above_the_fold_1x1.gif" alt="" width="1" height="1" /> <img src="http://img5.timeinc.net/keynote/above_the_fold_1x1.gif" alt="" width="1" height="1" /> <section class="block block-top_stories"> <h2>What's Trending</h2> <ul> <li> <a href="http://www.ew.com/article/2015/09/04/stephen-king-sally-field-national-medal-arts"> Obama to honor Stephen King, Sally Field with National Medals of Arts </a> </li> <li> <a href="http://www.ew.com/article/2015/09/04/mr-bean-25th-anniversary-buckingham-palace"> Rowan Atkinson celebrates 25th anniversary of Mr. Bean outside Buckingham Palace </a> </li> <li> <a href="http://www.ew.com/article/2015/09/04/beyonce-birthday-michelle-obama-twitter"> Michelle Obama wished Beyoncé a happy birthday on Twitter </a> </li> <li> <a href="http://www.ew.com/article/2015/09/04/batman-v-superman-dawn-justice-new-pictures"> See Wonder Woman and the Batmobile in new Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice pics </a> </li> <li> <a href="http://www.ew.com/article/2015/09/04/downton-abbey-queen-elizabeth-ii-people"> Queen Elizabeth is a huge fan of Downton Abbey </a> </li> </ul> </section> <div class="outbrain-wrapper"> <div class="ob-in-page" id="outbrain-widget-AR8" data-obtemplate="ew" data-widgetid="AR_8" data-divid="outbrain-widget-AR8"> </div> </div> <img src="http://img5.timeinc.net/keynote/above_the_fold_1x1.gif" alt="" width="1" height="1" /> <img src="http://img5.timeinc.net/keynote/above_the_fold_1x1.gif" alt="" width="1" height="1" /> <section class="block block-latest_news"> <h2>Latest News</h2> <ul> 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class="tout clear tv has-image"> <div class="txtcont"> <a href="http://www.ew.com/article/2015/09/04/big-brother-meg-maley-interview-clay"> <span class="headline">'Big Brother': Meg on her biggest mistake and that drunken night with Clay</span> <span class="channel">TV</span> <span class="pub-date">11 hours ago</span> </a> </div> <div class="imgcont"> <a href="http://www.ew.com/article/2015/09/04/big-brother-meg-maley-interview-clay"> <img typeof="foaf:Image" src="http://www.ew.com/sites/default/files/styles/tout_image_100x100/public/i/2015/09/04/meg-maley.jpg?itok=zKC4-zYA" width="100" height="100" alt="" title="" /> </a> </div> </li> <li class="tout clear native-ad"> <!-- ew_regular_ad:Desktop - Native Ad : Latest News Widget:20 --> <div class="ad-placeholder" id="ad-slot-42480075-5ec1-4b25-8655-38b47615d927" data-ad-id="" data-ad-name="ad-slot-42480075-5ec1-4b25-8655-38b47615d927" data-ad-width="300" data-ad-height="125" data-ad-package="" data-ad-channel="" data-ad-subchannel="" data-ad-contentpage="false" data-ad-contenttype="" data-ad-multisize="true" data-ad-sizes="['300x125','300x125']" data-ad-companion="" data-ad-zone="" data-ad-cmpos="" data-ad-cmtyp="" data-ad-pos="2" style="" ></div> <div class="field field-name-field-ew-ad-size-multi field-type-multifield field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"></div></div></div> </li> <li class="tout clear music has-image"> <div class="txtcont"> <a href="http://www.ew.com/article/2015/09/04/pink-vmas-comments-demi-lovato"> <span class="headline">Pink says she has no issue with Demi Lovato after critical VMAs comments</span> <span class="channel">Music</span> <span class="pub-date">12 hours ago</span> </a> </div> <div class="imgcont"> <a href="http://www.ew.com/article/2015/09/04/pink-vmas-comments-demi-lovato"> <img typeof="foaf:Image" src="http://www.ew.com/sites/default/files/styles/tout_image_100x100/public/i/2015/09/04/demi-lovato.jpg?itok=WJZrf4yq" width="100" height="100" alt="" title="" /> </a> </div> </li> <li class="tout clear movies has-image"> <div class="txtcont"> <a href="http://www.ew.com/article/2015/09/04/miss-peregrines-home-for-peculiar-children-teaser"> <span class="headline">See a peculiar teaser for 'Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children'</span> <span class="channel">Movies</span> <span class="pub-date">12 hours ago</span> </a> </div> <div class="imgcont"> <a href="http://www.ew.com/article/2015/09/04/miss-peregrines-home-for-peculiar-children-teaser"> <img typeof="foaf:Image" src="http://www.ew.com/sites/default/files/styles/tout_image_100x100/public/i/2015/09/04/miss-peregrines-home-for-peculiar-children.jpg?itok=nD6IDgVl" width="100" height="100" alt="" title="" /> </a> </div> </li> <li class="tout clear tv has-image"> <div class="txtcont"> <a href="http://www.ew.com/article/2015/09/04/castle-season-8-kelly-rowan-cast-guest-star"> <span class="headline">'Castle' books 'The O.C.' star in season 8</span> <span 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on Thursday, Sep 03</span> </a> </li> <li> <a href="http://www.ew.com/recap/sex-drugs-rock-roll-season-1-episode-8"> 'Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll' recap: 'Hard Out Here for a Pimp' <span class="recap-airdate">Aired on Thursday, Sep 03</span> </a> </li> <li> <a href="http://www.ew.com/recap/mistresses-season-3-finale"> 'Mistresses' finale recap: 'Goodbye Girl' <span class="recap-airdate">Aired on Thursday, Sep 03</span> </a> </li> <li> <a href="http://www.ew.com/recap/masterchef-season-6-episode-17"> 'MasterChef' recap: 'Return of the Champions' <span class="recap-airdate">Aired on Wednesday, Sep 02</span> </a> </li> <li> <a href="http://www.ew.com/recap/mr-robot-season-1-finale"> 'Mr. Robot' season finale recap: 'eps1.9_zer0-day.avi' <span class="recap-airdate">Aired on Wednesday, Sep 02</span> </a> </li> <li> <a href="http://www.ew.com/recap/big-brother-season-17-episode-31"> 'Big Brother' recap: Poor, Poor Meg <span class="recap-airdate">Aired on Wednesday, Sep 02</span> </a> </li> <li> <a 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