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'Drunk History' gets shipwrecked

Season 2 | Episode 7 | “Hawaii” | Aired Aug 12, 2014

Drunk History is on a summer getaway this week, and it’s a good one. It’s also surprisingly busy. For people who like to keep things relaxed, when Hawaiians commit themselves to something, they really dive in. The sun is out and the waves are high. What lessons are on tap in the islands?

1. If people already live on the island, you didn’t discover it.

In 1779, Captain James Cook (Ken Marino) landed on the island of Hawaii during the celebration of the Polynesian god Lono. Cook and his men were greeted warmly by King Kalaniʻōpuʻu (Eugene Cordero), who invited them to join the festivities. (“Lono has given us, like, a whole new buddy to hang out with.”) Cook assumed that the Hawaiians took him and his crew for gods and partied with them until he’d more than worn out his welcome.

When Cook and his men finally left, they ran into a storm. Boat damaged, they returned to the island for repairs, assuming that the Hawaiians thought them to be gods and would have to do what they said. The islanders stole some of their supplies, and Cook retaliated by kidnapping King Kalaniʻōpuʻu. As they were leaving, one of Cook’s men shot the king’s nephew. (“What’s wrong with you? What are you, white?”) A fight broke out, and Cook finally realized that nobody thought he was a god, right as he was killed. Out of respect—for the man who tried to kidnap him, so clearly he was a generous ruler—King Kalaniʻōpuʻu gave Cook a proper Hawaiian funeral, burning his body and returning (almost all) of the bones to his crew. That’s hospitality.

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2. When in Hawaii, plan for weather.

According to the father of our narrator, Jonah Ray Rodrigues, the best thing about Hawaii is the weather. The worst thing about Hawaii is also the weather. In any case, there’s weather.

doctor who sad rain

3. Go for broke.

On December 7, 1941, Daniel Inouye (Steven Yeun) heard from his father (James Hong) about the bombing of Pearl Harbor and immediately went to enlist. He was the first man in line, but the Army turned him away. Japanese-Americans were not welcome. It wasn’t until 1943 that Inouye was finally able to join, as a member of the Japanese-American 442nd Regimental Combat Team. Their motto was “Go for broke,” and no one lived it like Inouye. On April 21, 1945, while stationed in northern Italy, Inouye and his platoon were sent to clear out machine gun nests. It was basically a suicide mission hand-picked for the 442nd, but Inouye wouldn’t stop, even after taking a shot to the stomach.

As Inouye prepared to take out his third machine gun nest, a grenade blew off his arm, which is where this superhero origin story really kicks into high gear. Rather than retreat, Inouye pried his own grenade out of the fist that was no longer attached to his body and threw it at the German troops. He didn’t even let his troops worry about the fact that he’d lost an arm. (“I don’t know which one you’re talking about, man.”)

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4. There’s more than one way to fight.

After the war, the 442nd was the most decorated unit in the history of the American army, but Inouye still faced prejudice in everyday life. He felt that Japanese-Americans needed more of a presence in the government, so in 1959, Daniel Inouye became the first Japanese-American Representative in the United States Congress. When Inouye died in 2012, President Obama called him an inspiration. He never stopped going for broke. And to think that the army didn’t want him.

5. Eddie would go, and you should too.

Eddie Aikau (Jason Mantzoukas) was a surfer who braved Waimea Bay on November 19, 1967, when the waves had never been higher. His talent and fearlessness made him an overnight sensation. (“That was for Hawaii, and this is for every Hawaiian in the entire world. Most of them are in Hawaii, I understand.”) A lot of surfers died trying to take on Waimea Bay, so Eddie became the area’s first lifeguard. He saved over 500 people; not one life was lost on his watch.

When some Australian surfers rolled into town and started winning competitions, they insulted Hawaiian culture to the press. Locals beat up a group of Australians led by Wayne “Rabbit” Bartholomew (Derek Waters), but Eddie didn’t fight. He just took everyone to a hotel conference room and explained that Hawaiian culture had already been looked down on for too long, and the Australians apologized. To show the world what Hawaii could do, Eddie decided to sail to Tahiti, using only the stars as navigation. A storm hit, the ship capsized six hours in, and Eddie volunteered to take his surfboard and get help. The rest of the crew was rescued, but Eddie was never heard from again. A surf competition was started in his memory, and the slogan “Eddie would go” has motivated Hawaiians ever since.

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Narrator Kurt Braunohler says of Eddie, “If you attempt life, you might die, but you’ll live on.” That seems like it could apply to anyone in tonight’s episode—not only the Hawaiians of the past, but also these actors. Jason Mantzoukas tears into everything he does as Eddie (the moment when he volunteers to be a lifeguard is particularly gleeful), Steven Yeun nails Daniel Inouye’s toughness and Derek Waters rocks that blond Australian wig. How much did you know about Hawaii’s past? And how great does a beach sound right now? Preferably minus the shipwreck.

Drunk History, rated TV-14, airs Tuesdays at 10/9C on Comedy Central.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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