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'Hemlock Grove' recap: Strange bedfellows

Season 2 | Episode 9 | “Tintypes” | Released July 11, 2014

We are closing in on the end of Hemlock Grove’s excellent second season, and that can only mean two things: plot resolution and a whole lot of unsettling carnage! Picking up where the previous episode left off, “Tintypes“ is all about strange bedfellows and metamorphosis. From the unholy alliance of Chasseur and Norman to the respective transformations of Roman, Peter and Shelley, the stage is set for one delicious, gore-tastic finale.

Any concerns that Hemlock Grove is about to go rogue and kill off one of its leading players is immediately quashed when we get a glimpse of Peter alive, but in a bloody state. The band of merry killers appears much more interested in extracting information than they do in killing Peter off. It’s a good thing, too, because in between scenes of Hemlock Grove: Peter, Destiny, RomanPeter getting sliced and diced courtesy of a spiked neck brace, the audience finally gets some much-needed exposition courtesy of the mask-loving child murders. Apparently, all this child-killing isn’t just a way to spend some down time, but instead has a holy purpose. And now that they’ve determined Nadia to be “the beast,” locating her whereabouts is priority No. 1.

Dr. Pryce’s sparkly night mask must be doing the trick, because the evildoer is downright plucky this episode! First, he talks Roman out of canceling his last treatment when Roman decides that Peter must be in danger and is in need of saving. OK, we know Roman is actually on to something here, but Pryce makes an equally valid point that stopping the treatments now would cause Roman to go from upir to super-upir. Given the amount of torn necks in Roman’s wake, that’s something no one wants to see happen, and the wannabe human begrudgingly agrees with Pryce.

Alas, Pryce’s peace and quiet is short-lived; Olivia comes barging in and demands that the doctor stop experimenting on her children. Now that she’s met New Recipe Shelley and has all that pesky empathy coursing through her veins, Olivia is actually starting to sound like a mother! But it’s too little too late for Pryce, who reminds Olivia that at her essence, she is truly a horrible person. Even Olivia’s reveal that she is dying does little to sway Pryce in her favor. But what it does do is cause Pryce to come off the spool when he realizes Dr. Z is using Olivia’s cancer as a way of ingratiating herself to the grande dame.

Speaking of Dr. Z, our sassy war criminal is now advocating that Olivia kill Roman, because everyone knows that death solves all problems. She also takes the moment to reiterate her worth to Olivia, especially since Pryce is so willing to let Olivia die. You get the sense that Pryce and Dr. Z are on a collision course and that only one of them is making it to the end.

Miranda starts to realize that the adorable baby she is nursing for no apparent reason is a bit odd when Nadia spells out her own name in baby blocks. I’m guessing this means Miranda has never seen The Omen, because while the incident freaks her out, she doesn’t run screaming from the house. Destiny, however, is not about to wait for Roman and Peter to save the day, so she consults a Roma vargulf expert.

Norman is still on the warpath and he has Olivia in his line of fire. Although Hot P.I. tells him that she will report his actions to the police, Norman is well past the point of caring. He takes off with gun in hand and Hot P.I. trails after him. She gets Norman to give up the gun, but then inexplicably lets him leave. Hot P.I. has beauty and brains, but clearly no common sense. She redeems herself a bit by stopping in to see Sheriff Chasseur and giving him the dirt on Norman’s plot to kill Olivia.

Poor Hot P.I.! She doesn’t get the expected commendation from Chasseur, but instead gets tossed behind bars for breaking and entering. Let it be a lesson that in Hemlock Grove, no good deed goes unpunished! Michael makes a beeline to Norman and, after explaining about Clementine, says that he wants in on killing Olivia. Norman readily agrees, because obviously two blinded-by-fury, half-cocked men going after the most powerful upir is better than one!

We get another dose of sympathy-building for Olivia when, upon hearing Original Recipe Shelley apologize for being such a difficult child, Olivia tearfully promises to be a better mother. As this bizarre reunion plays out, Dr. Z attempts to inject Roman with an unknown substance to supposedly ease his suffering. Roman is about to let her when he receives a text from Peter telling him that Nadia is in danger. Morphing into Super Dad before our eyes, Roman leaps from the table and quickly hooks up his IV to the giant vat of blood and body parts.

For his part, Peter is completely over being tortured, and he starts to turn against the moon yet again. It allows Peter to escape, but also puts him one step closer to achieving an irreversible vargulf state. He shows up at Roman’s and is greeted by Destiny and her vargulf-curing buddy (aka Vargulf Seer). It seems that Peter’s cousin has taken it upon herself to get Peter a cure that may kill him, but also may save him. It’s a 50/50 proposition, and Destiny considers those odds good enough. Peter responds by getting physical with Destiny and is so shocked by his actions that he agrees to get help. The Vargulf Seer reminds Peter that one more turn will mean losing him to his wolf state forever.

While Roman embraces his upir state, Olivia is happy to die surrounded by her children and loved one. Clearly, empathy overload causes you to divorce from reality. But the happy vibes get interrupted when Olivia and Pryce find a dead Dr. Z floating in Pryce’s feeding tank.

Roman’s home becomes ground zero and everyone assembles, much to the chagrin of the butler. He is in the middle of a rant when he takes an arrow to the gut and all hell breaks loose. Miranda and Destiny flee with Nadia to the safe r0om, while the Vargulf Seer gets killed. Peter is just about to be beheaded when in rushes Roman, all fueled up on body parts. He manages to save Peter, but then the two split up completely, forgetting that there is strength in numbers.

Trapped in the safe room, Miranda is unable to stave off the leader of the gang, and all seems lost until Nadia unleashes some seriously disturbing skills and kills the dude so that his eyes instantly fill with blood. Downstairs, Peter is shot with an arrow and, while watching Destiny get beaten, begins to turn into a vargulf.

Hemlock Grove: Peter, Destiny, Roman (Netflix)After consuming most of the killers and reuniting with his daughter, Roman tries to break through to Peter, who is now completely enmeshed in his vargulf state. Unable to reach Peter’s mind, Roman does the next best thing when he literally pulls Peter out of the wolf by tearing the beast in two, in one of the show’s’ goriest moments.

And so Nadia is seemingly safe. The same cannot be said for Olivia. As she sings Original Recipe Shelley a lullaby, Chasseur and Norman practice the art of the kill on some random body.

Comments, Gripes & Observations

  • Who builds a safe room with breakable windows? Roman clearly needs to rent Panic Room, stat.
  • Any guesses on who will die in the next episode? My money is on Norman and Sheriff Chasseur, but I hope I’m wrong!
  • RIP Dr. Z! You may have been an international war criminal, but you gave Pryce a run for his money in the sass department.
  • Mad kudos to the art department for the Peter/vargulf elimination scene! Anything that makes me alternate between being grossed out and wanting to watch it again is horror gold.
  • Destiny stabbing that guy in the crotch just proves my point that she is the real star of this show.
  • What does everyone think about Nadia? Is she a sweet, gifted baby or a devil spawn? Leave your predictions in the comments!

Hemlock Grove can be viewed on Netflix.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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