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'Covert Affairs' recap: You can trust me

Season 5 | Episode 6 | “Embassy Row” | Aired July 29, 2014

When last we left Annie, Auggie was majorly irritated that she went behind his back to steal a digital key from his onetime lover Hacker Natasha. That key, combined with The Bad Guy’s fingerprint, will help Langley track the bank who funded the terrorist bombing in Chicago.

Within seconds of this week’s opening scene, Annie and Auggie are sharing a beer. Natasha told Auggie that Annie encouraged her not to leave the country. All is right with the world until Auggie divulges some rather important information: Natasha is at his apartment right this very second.

Annie explodes with barrage of questions. Doesn’t he know she’s a fugitive? What will happen to him if she gets discovered? What about Hayley? How did he get so good at playing the field? Does he know how good he looks without a shirt on?

Before Auggie can answer, Joan calls. She needs the pair of them at headquarters pronto. Thanks to the key, they’ve unlocked (see what I did there?) some time-sensitive information in relation to Ivan.

Who the heck is Ivan, you ask? Why he’s The Bad Guy with the handy fingerprints, of course.

Annie is quick to get back in the game with Ivan. He likes her. It doesn’t matter that she drugged him and arranged his passed-out body into a very compromising position. She totally covered her tracks by leaving a note. Duh.

Joan gives Annie permission to go back to Paris. She orders Auggie to stay behind and oversee the mission from his desk. This is convenient news for Auggie. He immediately begins a relationship juggling by once again ignoring Hayley’s phone calls and making out with Natasha, whom he keeps cooped up at his place. Since she is forbidden from leaving, she passes the time doing what any master coder would do in her situation. She hacks into the city’s traffic cameras so she can see if the FBI is coming for her.

Auggie makes her promise she will stop hacking. Even the best can leave a digital footprint, and he isn’t taking any chances. He pulls out a bottle of wine and Natasha’s radar goes off. At first I thought Auggie must have purchased boxed wine and that’s why his live-in was so livid. Auggie holds an actual glass bottle of wine, and Natasha automatically knows that he’s keeping something from her. Clearly this is weird relationship information that we aren’t supposed to understand. Moving on!

Auggie finally tells Natasha that he was seeing someone before she came back into his life, and he hasn’t broken it off yet.

Natasha: Is it that Hayley girl who keeps calling you?

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Auggie promises to break it off soon. He just hasn’t found the right moment.

The scene switches to Paris. This was obvious due to the Parisian landmarks, as well as the French gangster rap soundtrack that accompanied the package. It felt very ’90s. So did Annie’s hot-pink pumps and tight tuck-‘n-roll jeans. She calls Ivan, and they arrange to meet for lunch. She makes some lame excuse about having to leave unexpectedly because a buyer is willing to pay her $60,000. Ivan scoffs. That’s chump change to him. He will give her the money if she spends the night with him.

What is it with this show and call-girl storylines?

Ivan invites her to the Russian Embassy for a party. Annie agrees and leaves the table to call her buyer and cancel the meeting, but she calls Auggie instead to issue an all-points bulletin to the Langley geeks. Her cover is BLOWN in Russia. If they check her fingerprints, she might as well make an evening gown out of all the red flags.

This looks like a job for Natasha!

I bet you went there too, didn’t you? We were both duped. Auggie heads down to the Nerd Dungeon, gathers the troops and tells them that instead of cracking the Russian Embassy system, they are going to crash it.

Annie arrives with Ivan at the Embassy, absolutely petrified. Auggie spits out a bunch of code mumbo jumbo. Annie looks like she’s about to hurt. YOU ARE PAID TO BE COVERT, ANNIE. GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!

Annie places her palm on a fancy iPad and it begins to scan. Coding, coding, coding and more coding. It was like that scene from The Social Network.


The keeper of the fancy iPad is unwilling to let “Miss Miller” pass through. Ivan says something in Russian that roughly translates to, “She’s with me unless you want to work in Siberia for the rest of your life.”

She’s in! Annie chugs the champagne Ivan offers her and questions him about the snarky woman rudely staring behind his back. Never fear, Annie. She’s just Ivan’s jealous ex-girlfriend, who works for the FSB. No biggie.

Just as Annie is digesting that interesting tidbit of information, she turns a corner and runs straight into McQuaid. I know what you’re thinking. I thought the same thing.


Annie gives him an obvious “don’t blow my cover” look. Wow. She’s the opposite of covert this week, isn’t she?

McQuaid doesn’t miss a beat. He asks her name and nods as she reminds him that they met at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. They shop-talk about Browning guns, and then she makes a break for the table serving pigs in a blanket.

They serve that at the Russian Embassy, right?

She sneaks off to a corner and McQuaid follows. They pseudo-argue back and forth until McQuaid finally reveals that he is here trying to procure half a dozen Russian combat helicopters—because there are some places in the world that don’t like American choppers. Annie refuses to discuss why she is at the embassy. McQuaid rolls his eyes and stalks off to rub elbows with fancy Russians.

Annie begins snooping around downstairs when Ex-Girlfriend Russian creeps up on her. She claims that Annie is familiar. Right before she connects the dots, Ivan enters the hallway and dismisses The Ex. The he shoves Annie up against the stairs. She giggles, suggesting they go somewhere more private. He takes her to an office, pulls out a full bottle of vodka and two glasses (coolest nesting dolls EVER) and then puts Annie in a headlock. Second-date problems, am I right, ladies?

Ivan knows she is not who she claims to be. Annie chokes and struggles for air. He lowers her to the ground and then pours something into her mouth, pinching her nose to make sure she swallows.

Where is McQuaid? This is a total knight-in-shining-armor moment and he’s missing it!

Of course, Annie doesn’t need to be saved. She manages to knock out the evil Russian using only her kneecap. It must be made of titanium, but that is neither here nor there. She stumbles into the hallway with a fuzzy head and blurred vision. And she falls right into the arms of McQuaid.

Suddenly it’s pitch black. We hear footsteps. A light shines on Annie’s face. Her hands are bound by the wrists and she is lying in a trunk. Ivan looks down on her and smiles.

In case you’re wondering, Auggie is still juggling. Hayley calls again. Bless her heart. Auggie never answers. Natasha tells him to stop avoiding the conversation and rip the Band-Aid already.

Surprise! Hayley just happens to be in the neighborhood, and she wants to come up! Auggie calls an audible and suggests they meet for a beer instead. Natasha is simply thrilled with this news.

Hayley tells Auggie that she has been looking into Annie’s files and things just aren’t adding up. She has a feeling Annie is keeping secrets from the CIA, and she wants Auggie to distance himself from her so he doesn’t get caught up in the investigation that will inevitably happen.

That may not matter if Annie ceases to exist. Ivan jerks her out of the trunk of the car and tells her that he has called The Ex. Annie will be transported to Moscow to be interrogated. Car headlights pull into the street. Ivan begins walking over to the product-placement Land Rover and is shot by McQuaid!

But it’s not enough to put him down. He runs with Annie through the streets. Annie punches him with her hands tied together and runs away. He tries to shoot her several times and misses. Worst Russian bad guy ever! Finally, he gets a good shot and is out of bullets. Doh! He goes for broke and tackles her, punching her in the face and dragging her by the hair over to a fountain. He shoves her entire head in the water to drown out the problem.

Of course, if you’ve seen this dunking scene once, you’ve seen it a million times. I have to say that The Vampire Diaries did an incredible job putting an interesting twist on this tried-and-true murder, using nothing but an eerie-but-beloved Christmas carol.

Just as I was about to look away, I heard a gunshot and BOOM! There’s Ivan’s head right beside Annie’s in the water.

Underwater AnnieCreep-tastic.

McQuaid takes care of everything. He didn’t shoot to kill. All is good. Except all is not good in Annie’s world. She remembers falling into his arms before she passed out. How did she end up in the trunk of a car?

McQuaid totally puts her in her place. He took a risk. Ivan was waking up, so he tailed him. He never let her out of his sight. He’s sorry he didn’t have a better plan, but at the end of the day, he saved her life.

Ivan will be questioned by Joan. She has hired Arthur to help her. She also told him that she did a little digging after his jaunt to the Middle East, and she knows about the explosion. Arthur is sorry. Joan doesn’t want them to fall into a dysfunctional marriage. I don’t want them to either, but I feel that’s where this storyline is going.

Auggie walks in on the husband-and-wife duo and asks Joan for a moment. He tells her about Hayley snooping around Annie’s files. Joan suggests he keep Hayley close, even though he’s dating a civilian. They need to keep tabs on their own. Before Auggie hits YouTube to learn more juggling tricks, he tells Natasha that he can’t break up with Hayley for reasons he can’t disclose. The girl is not happy. I wouldn’t put it past her to hack into Auggie’s bank account so she can transfer some money and hit the road. We shall see.

Calder is still dealing with the case of the D.C. call girl. Hayley has pulled a bunch of files, and she wants to know how Calder knows the subjects. One is Call Girl Sydney, whose real name is Call Girl Stephanie. He memorizes the address on her driver’s license, shows up to her house and bullies his way through the door. Smooth jazz croons in the background and a martini is ready to be shaken, not stirred. He warns her that she might be called in, and he needs to know that he can trust her. She reminds him that she is always discreet. That’s enough evidence for Calder, so they end the conversation by doing what they do.

Annie wakes up in a pretty sweet hotel. McQuaid is having a beer on the veranda, overlooking the Eiffel Tower. He tells Annie that they are a good team and that she should trust him. Annie throws that annoying “What did you do that hour with Borz?” in his face again, so he confides in her. He has a mole in his company, and he wants to extract it before anyone finds out. He questioned Borz to see if he knew anyone willing to trade McQuaid Security secrets.

My money is on Caitlyn.

He offers his beer to Annie. She takes a sip and returns it to him. Everyone knows the first step to trusting someone is swapping backwash. I have high hopes for these crazy kids.

Covert Affairs, rated TV-14, airs Tuesdays at 10/9C on USA Network.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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