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'Witches of East End' recap: Very unlucky in love

Season 2 | Episode 4 | “The Brothers Grimoire” | Aired July 27, 2014

What the hell was that opening scene? When Tommy takes Wendy for a picnic in the park with beer and brats (he’s been paying attention), a rat clambers over and climbs right up on his shoulder. Without a moment’s hesitation, Wendy grabs the rat, jabs her fingernails (claws) into it and tosses it squealing back the way it came. “You OK?” Wendy inquires of Tommy. The fact that he says yes is even more bizarre than what just occurred. Odd, right?

Victor is hanging in the dungeon with his captor when the rat runs in, morphs into a gorgeous woman (Is there any show guest star Rachel Nichols is on that I don’t watch?) and declares that she found Wendy. Victor’s captor (guest star Callard Harris) licks her wound, healing her instantly while Victor looks on.

Dash visits Ingrid at the library. Considering they colluded to cover up a murder, they’re doing pretty well. Ingrid is blaming herself for not explaining Dash’s powers to him sooner. Dash is thankful she showed up when she did and reminds her it was all his doing.

Wendy complains to Joanna that a rat crashed her picnic with Tommy and totally killed the mood, chalking it up to the Beauchamp women having crappy luck with men. Joanna reminds Wendy she’s pretty damn happy with Victor. He didn’t call, but sent her a text that he would be late, so they haven’t had their welcome-home sex yet. If I were a Beauchamp witch, that would send off warning bells. Why wouldn’t he call?

Dash and Killian are waiting for Mr. Shane, who has arrived on short notice to deliver something that Penelope left strict instructions to deliver upon her death and only if the brothers were together. Dash realizes it’s a puzzle they’re supposed to solve, and when they both grab it, it lights up and dials spin. They need to talk.

Isis is the woman holding Victor. She and her friend want to know where the key is. They want to go home and know a portal was opened. They aren’t who came through the portal this time around, but they really don’t want to be here anymore. Isis says she doesn’t want to deal with Joanna because “that bitch” scares her. I couldn’t have wanted to see them together more!

Inside the puzzle box is a message in Latin telling them to follow the trail. Killian cannot believe they’re warlocks and is amazed he found Eva, given that she’s a witch. He thinks that’s why they found each other. We do too, Killian, and that’s not a good thing. Dash talks about Freya (the lying bitch) and Ingrid (she’s cool) being like they are. Dash figures their powers were dormant until their mom died.

Wendy meets Tommy for some beer and darts. Of course she hits a bull’s-eye every time, until she tosses one right into the middle of his back. Isis and Ivar come to the bar. They were a wild group and all friends at one time. They’re kind of skeevy, as Isis tries to cop a kiss and a cuddle from Frederick.

When Dash and Killian say the Latin phrase together, it takes them a board in the house with a carving. Dash was right—it was a spell. That spell leads them to a whole book of them, The Gardiner Grimoire.

Isis and Ivar are kissing twins. Like Freya and Frederick, they claim. Not so fast! Freya is disturbed by their “twincest” and wants to get rid of the “walking freakfest.” They took a fall for Frederick and think he owes them. When Frederick threatens Ivar, Ivar shows him a video of Victor being tortured. Isis hits on Freya and blows black smoke into her face when she’s turned down.

The Gardiner boys eagerly jump into their grimoire, creating a bit of blood magic so they’re never harmed. It seems like they should be a little more careful about playing around with something they know so little about.

Wendy uses her magic to prevent a car accident when Tommy gets a flat tire. Tommy notices her Latin and wonders what it’s about. Apparently he has been dead before, during a tour in Fallujah. When Tommy tells Wendy his friend died and he knows that just existing isn’t enough for him anymore, she pulls him into a steamy kiss.

Ivar stops time and demands Frederick give him the portal key. Now the twincest kids have Frederick’s father and his sister. They give him a two-hour window to deliver the key.

The Gardiners are testing their spell. Dash seems free from harm, but when Killian puts his arm into a flame, he coughs out a bloody tooth. Uh-oh. Dash calls Ingrid, begging for help. Killian seems to be dying rapidly, as he pulls out a clump of his hair. Ingrid gets sidetracked when the dude from the stacks calls to her and she goes into a bit of a trance.

Joanna catches Frederick looking through her things, and tells her what’s going in. He says he’s meeting one of them at the library and has a plan. Joanna wants him to let her handle it.

Ingrid is in the woods. “I’m here for you. I’m here to feed you,” she tells the tentacle man as she climbs into his lap. Girlfriend is doing a hell of a lot more than feeding him, if you want my opinion.

woee_ep204b_sb_0385Freya is getting a little action of her own as Isis sits astride her, teasing her and talking poorly about Frederick. Joanna arrives; Isis returns to rat form and runs off as Freya tries to stand. Joanna stops her—if Freya moves, she’ll kill them all.

Ingrid wakes up in the forest, confused and with large suction-type marks on her back. She is definitely unaware of what’s going on with the scaly dude and now I’m starting to think she’s being raped, just like many of you did. It’s kind of disgusting. Killian seems to be dying of some sort of plague. Ingrid arrives in time to heal the injury that is keeping him from breathing, but she can’t undo a spell she didn’t cast. Yes, she’s a little upset at Dash for casting when he didn’t know what he was doing.

“Sometimes the simpler a spell sounds, the more complicated it really is,” Ingrid informs him. Killian is obviously not protected. The spell “takes the vitality from one organism and transfers it to another.” Where the hell is Eva? If she were a protector owl, wouldn’t she have been able to keep this from happening? As it stands, Ingrid has to walk them through how to reverse the spell.

Frederick has a showdown with Ivar at the library. He spells a poisonous snake out of the spell book and it penetrates Ivar. With venom coursing through his veins, Ivar says they just wanted to get home. Frederick suggests it was a horrible idea to threaten his family, especially when Ivar knows what he’s capable of. Ivar tells Frederick he just killed half his family, “Yeah, but I killed you, too,” Frederick says as he steps on Ivar’s neck, snapping it.

Wendy and Tommy are drinking, talking about luck and trying to salvage their night. They’re having a moment. Wendy had some peanuts, so kissing Tommy practically kills him. “Oh, please don’t die,” Wendy screams as she plunges his EpiPen (or syringe, in this case) into his thigh. The more forces try to keep them apart, the more adorable they become. Will Wendy be able to do anything to keep him around and safe?

Dash and Killian reverse the spell. Their mother’s death, the warlock news and Killian’s near-death experience might not be all bad. They clasp each other in a warm embrace.

Freya demands that Joanna take Victor and leave, to save themselves. Victor wants to do a spell that will mean he and Freya switch places. He’ll die in her place. Joanna is panicked; she doesn’t want to lose either one of them, but Victor thinks he’s already knocking on death’s door. “Freya has never lived this long,” Victor begs of Joanna to allow her to live longer, but it seems a terrible price either way.

woee_ep204b_sb_0684Joanna has done the spell. She kisses her love, centuries old, and flees with Freya before an explosion takes him away. A husband and father just sacrificed himself for his family.

Tommy wants to keep seeing Wendy, taunting the universe to bring it on.

Killian and Dash agree to put their grimoire away for a while. They really are closer than ever. Magic has been good for them, while it’s tearing the Beauchamps apart. When Dash sees Ingrid’s back, he wonders what has been happening. She’s been losing pieces of time and needs his help. Dash promises to give Ingrid whatever she needs of him.

Frederick arrives home to see Joanna wrapped up in front of the fire. Freya doesn’t want to see Frederick and has left. Dad is dead. Joanna is now angry at Frederick for not telling her Isis and Ivar had taken him as soon as he knew. “I’m sorry” hardly seems appropriate at a time like this, and it’s impossible to blame Joanna for telling him to leave.

When Killian storms into the bar to speak to Freya, he didn’t expect her tearful face, news of her father’s death or for her to lean into his arms.

Witches of East End airs Sundays at 9/8C on Lifetime.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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