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‘The West Wing’ newbie recap: It’s big block of cheese day!

Season 1 | Episode 5 | “The Crackpots and These Women” | Aired Oct 20, 1999

“The Crackpots and These Women” may be my favorite episode yet, even with the final five minutes that make up half of this episode’s title. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

We open with Josh playing basketball in a tank top. Somebody hold me.

OK, fine, other men are there, too, and Toby’s trash-talk game is sharp. But it turns out that a sweaty President Bartlet has a strategy for winning this scrimmage: He’s asked a fellow “federal employee” to join his team. Toby and Josh look up (and up and up) at this new opponent, who heads the president’s council on physical fitness. The new guy acknowledges that he used to play a little basketball. With friends. At Duke.

The words “cheater” and “ringer” and “that one time you brought Steffi Graf to a friendly game of mixed doubles” and “Charlie, guard the new guy” are tossed around. Excellent. The West Wing needs more physical comedy.

bartlet_hiding

Back in the office, Leo announces that it’s big-block-of-cheese day. You see, President Andrew Jackson installed a two-ton block of cheese in the White House, so anyone who was hungry could stop and eat. Likewise, Leo asks the senior staff to meet from time to time with representatives of smaller fringe organizations. Or “total crackpot day,” as Josh calls it. Everyone complains with verbose good nature, as they do about most everything.

But it’s not all levity today. Leo asks Josh to join him in his office, where a somber man in a dark suit hands Josh a card. This card is a Wonka golden ticket: It tells Josh where to go in case of nuclear attack. As Josh awkwardly stuffs it into his Costanza wallet, he’s chagrined to realize that none of his staff have a “Get on Air Force One free” card.

The Bartlet Bunch are prepping the President for a press conference. Mandy tells him not to sound like an econ professor with a stick up his butt. Aaaaand with that, she’s back to Toe Pick status. Toby and the President spar over the issue of addressing guns; Toby wants the President to admit that the newly passed bill has weaknesses, and Bartlet doesn’t want to discuss it at all.

The group also argues about an upcoming trip to California. Most of the staff want Bartlet to attend a fundraiser thrown by a schlocky, violent filmmaker the day after the President makes a speech condemning violent entertainment. Toby points out that this is a wee bit hypocritical; nobody else cares. You can tell Tobyis starting to feel like he’s screaming into the void. Josh, meanwhile, is lost in thought, presumably picturing his nearest and dearest perishing in a nuclear holocaust.

In happier news, the President’s daughter, Zoe, is in town, and the President wants to make chili for everyone. The reaction is tepid until Bartlet makes them look down at the seal on his carpet, then back up to him. Strangely, everyone is much more excited about daughters and chili after that.

Post-meeting, Josh discovers that Sam has no card. You can almost hear the atomic bombs exploding in his imagination.

And now, to crackpot day. Hey, it’s Ted from Scrubs! He wants the White House to pay a little more attention to UFOs. Sam says if he brings Ted’s data to the President, there will be both yelling and laughter.

In another room, C.J. is watching a presentation by Ron Freaking Swanson about Pluie the endangered wolf. C.J. makes a joke about Pluie having trouble crossing the Canadian border without photo ID. The wolf people are not amused.

WolvesRon and his compatriots want to protect these wolves by building a wolf-only roadway, which would be a mere 1,800 miles long. C.J. wants to know how you keep wolves on the wolves-only roadway (“Our scientists are working on a plan”), and then she laughs even harder at the proposed price tag: a cool $900 million for taxpayers. The group doesn’t think that’s funny. Oh, and by the way, Pluie was shot and killed by a rancher last month. Well, now they’re right; that’s definitely not funny. They move on to discussing a grizzly bear named Bonnie. Man, I hope Bonnie has a happier ending.

Poor Toby is already having a professional crisis when Toe Pick swans in and gives Toby the most backhanded of compliments: She says she’s glad that David Rosen passed on the communications job so it would go to Toby. This is news to Toby, who was told he was the first choice. SHUT IT, TOE PICK. YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE. I mean, it’s good psychological gameswomanship, but save it for your enemies, not Toby.

Josh has booked an emergency appointment with his therapist. Gentle therapisting reveals that Josh has a sister, Joanie, who died when he was a child. There was a fire, and Josh ran out of the house. Joanie didn’t. Kudos, Aaron Sorkin. Josh’s lifelong survivor’s guilt explains his resistance to the nuclear war evacuation card, but Sorkin doesn’t beat us over the head with the parallel. I like late-’90s Sorkin and his faith that the audience could follow him without shouty browbeating.

Anyway, Josh looks so bleak that I’m almost sorry for ogling his bare arms earlier in the episode. Almost.

Back at the White House, Josh finally confesses to C.J. that he’s the only one who got a card that shields him from nuclear fallout. C.J. rightly pulls a Cher, pointing out that there’s no need for press conferences or speeches in a world where the lucky few survivors are trapped in underground bunkers squabbling with their spouses over the last can of sliced peaches. Josh doesn’t think it’s going to be nuclear bombs, though. It’s going to be something like smallpox: “A little test tube with a rubber cap that’s deteriorating. A guy steps out of Times Square Station. Pshht. Smashes it on the sidewalk. There is a world war right there.”

That … that’s dark. I’m also pretty sure Aaron Sorkin is a wizard. We were panicking about that very thing not two years later.

Anyway, C.J. urges Josh to have chili. Everything will look better after chili.

At the chili party, Toby quietly approaches the President and asks about David Rosen. Bartlet admits that he wanted Rosen, but Leo and Josh wanted Toby. And Bartlet says he’s grateful every day that Rosen turned him down, because he couldn’t live without Toby’s wise counsel.

(Side note: Could this BE more confusing? David Rosen is the character played by Josh Malina on Scandal, but Malina is a Sorkin regular who eventually plays a character named Will Bailey on The West Wing. Sometimes pop culture is hard, you guys.)

Charlie and Zoe (aka Elisabeth Moss, aka baby Peggy Olsen) have a meet-cute over the chili pot. Charlie keeps calling her ma’am. They are adorable.

Sigh. And now we come to the scene that I’d most strenuously like to ignore, but I can’t because it’s literally in the episode’s title. Why couldn’t it have just been called “The Crackpots”? Or “Big Wheel of Cheese Day”? Because this next little bit is awful.

Bartlet, Leo and Josh have gathered to admire the women they own—er, work with. They compliment C.J. for being glamorous and capable and Mandy for arguing with Toby. (A woman? Talking to a man like an equal? That crazy broad!) “We can’t get over these women,” Leo concludes.

Get over what, exactly? The fact that they work alongside you? That they vote? Express opinions? Have hair and faces and brains and bodies? This little section is regrettable in an otherwise bang-up episode, is what I’m saying. “These women” indeed.

These women

Anyway, it’s all too much for Josh. He tells the President and Leo that he wants to be with his friends and family if the end comes, not living off of tiny bags of pretzels on Air Force One. Sooooo if Josh isn’t going to use his card, can I have it? I, for one, would appreciate a reserved spot in an underground bunker.

The President closes the episode with a rousing Bartlet speech™, speaking about affordable college and wildlife preservation (C.J. is a convert) and UFOs and smallpox. “Ave Maria” plays softly in the background, and Bartlet closes by challenging his staff to new heights of humanitarian achievement: “As we did in the time when our eyes looked toward the heavens, and with outstretched fingers, we touched the face of God.”

I love that Bartlet is charming, warm and inspiring even with his innermost circle—the people who would already follow him to hell and back. At this point, I’m ready to follow him too.

 

TV Families

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TV Families

TV Families — We compare various television clans through the years to see how they stack up, from ”The Brady Bunch” to ”The Flintstones”

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The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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<div class="article-body"> <div class="article__letter-grade"><span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span><p aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></p></div> <div class="article-body__inner"> <div class="triangle-anchor"></div><p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. 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