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'The Musketeers' recap: Never pass out with a melon

Season 1 | Episode 5| “The Homecoming” | Aired July 20, 2014

Porthos awakens on the ground in the middle of the street. He seems dazed and confused, almost as if he awoke from a hangover. The scene cuts to the night before, where the Musketeers appear to be partying. Aramis has a melon on his head and tells Porthos to go ahead and shoot. D’Artagnan is a bit worried, but Athos reassures him that Porthos has made the shot 100 times—never sober. Make that 101 times, as the melon explodes on top of Aramis’ head. Everyone cheers, except for Aramis—because Porthos suggests doing it again, only blindfolded.

Back to present day: As Porthos awakens, he sees another melon on the ground … as well as a dead man. The Red Guard arrive to arrest him. While he’s waiting in jail, the Musketeers reassure him that they know he didn’t do it and that hopefully the  judge will give him a fair trial. Unfortunately it looks like he’s got himself one of those hanging judges, who’s prejudiced with Porthos right from the start. He calls him names, insults his background and won’t let Captain Treville speak for him. From what he can remember, after his birthday celebrations, he had gone out for a walk with the melon. He doesn’t know actually when his birthday was; this was just a day he had picked when he was a child.

The judge finds him guilty and sentences him to death. As he’s being led away, a masked man appears and starts attacking and shooting the guards. Porthos thinks that Athos has come to rescue him, but then gets knocked out himself. Eventually he’s hooded and guided through the streets.

The Musketeers walk through the streets in search for Porthos. As they do, the residents bang pots and pans as well as other noisemakers as a warning that they are coming toward a slum area of the city known as the Court of Miracles. The three eventually give up and turn to leave because they know for now, Porthos is safe here, as this was where he had grown up.

The King wants to know why the Court of Miracles still exists. Cardinal Richelieu tells him that it’s hard for them to move all the beggars and other lowlife that live in that area. The King wants them gone because progress needs to made. In order for France to become more modern, slums like this must go. Treville arrives asking the King for a stay of execution for Porthos. The King tries (and fails) to make a joke:

“Why is it called the Court of Miracles?” D’Artagnan asks. “Entering it opens the yes of blind men and gives cripples the use of their legs. More than our Lord did,” Athos says calmly, as he shows how a blind/lame beggar is completely faking it. When D’Artagnan begins to doubt Porthos’ guilt, Aramis will not have that. Brotherhood and loyalty, you know?

Back in the Court, Porthos is finally unhooded and stands in what appears to be a makeshift throne room. The ruler of this “kingdom”? His old friend Charon (Ashley Walters) is now the ruler of the place, and welcomes Porthos back to his old home with open arms. His old girlfriend, Flea (Fiona Glascott), also comes to see him, but alas—she’s now with Charon because Porthos had left.

charon flea

Meanwhile, the Hardy Boys—er, Musketeers—are searching for clues to prove that Porthos is innocent. They find out that the man killed was not from the area, as he was richly dressed. They discover the location of the body, but notice there are no bone fragments or blood nearby, indicating that he had not been shot at that location. Finally, at the coroner’s, after a brief lesson in what happens during an autopsy, it’s determined that the man had been shot from less than a foot away. It’s now a murder, not a random shooting. D’Artagnan also picks up an expensive timekeeping piece belonging to the victim, indicating that he was the son of nobility.

Athos decides to take a trip to the Court to see if he can go speak to Porthos. But then this happens:

The Musketeers find out that the man killed was the only son of Émilie De Mauvoisin (Anton Lesser) and go to deliver the news to him. The family has fallen on hard times and is basically bankrupt. More investigation leads to them visiting the son’s former residence, where Aramis seems not to be a fan of keys or knocking.


The place has been ransacked with burnt Protestant hymnals, sermons by a Huguenot preacher, and a signed order for 6,000 pounds of gunpowder. Considering the De Mauvoisin family was Catholic, this all looks like plans to blow up a church. The three go to visit the church, where they find out from the pastor that not only had the De Mauvoisin son actually been a member of the church, but the family had been Protestants for generations. It was only very recently that the father converted to Catholicism to gain favor with the king. Plus, the signed order bears the signature of the father and not that of his son.

The servant at the De Mauvoisin home opens the door to find this lovely sight standing on the doorstep.


They’ve returned to search the house, where they find maps and plans for housing and development in the Court of Miracles. The land is valuable and is part of the King’s plan for progress. De Mauvoisin returns to find them searching the house and admits that he had forged his son’s signature. Actually, he did more than that. He’s the one who killed his own son. He felt that he had betrayed the family and was standing in the way of making the family name noble again. The Court is set to be destroyed at noon of that day, with Porthos still in it.

While all this has been happening, Porthos has been having adventures with Charon and Flea. He performs quick surgery on Charon, who was attacked by a masked man. There’s a lot of reminiscing (including Flea and Porthos remembering good times in bed) and trying to persuade Porthos to stay with them and leave the Musketeers behind. However, they also know they need to get Porthos out of Paris because he is a danger to the Court.

During a huge celebration which is supposed to be a distraction to get Porthos out of there, he discovers barrels of gunpowder. On his way to tell Charon and Flea about this, he remembers what happened that night he was accused. He had seen De Mauvoisin just kill his son, but he had also seen a familiar face right before he had been knocked out. It was Charon. When confronted, Charon tells him that he wants out of the Court and that he deserves better. He was working with De Mauvoisin to blow up the place, get some money, and then move on with his life and out of poverty. When Flea won’t choose him over Porthos, he shoots her and runs.

The Musketeers manage to rush to the Court just in time to fight off attackers, and Athos is able to stop the gunpowder from going off. Charon and Porthos have a fight (Charon has a knife; Porthos just uses his fists), but just when it seems Porthos could finish him off, he stops and walks away when he hears the Musketeers shout for him. He walks out to join his friends, when Charon lunges toward him to attack. He’s stopped by Aramis’ sword and dies in Porthos’ arms.

Now that De Mauvoisin has killed his son in vain, he writes a full confession and hands it to Treville. Instead of allowing himself to be arrested and punished, he instead asks for Treville’s gun. Treville obliges and waits outside to hear the single gunshot.

Flea and Porthos have one last moment together before separating as they realize they are from different worlds, though she gets the last say by pickpocketing his money bag. He returns back to the Musketeers, realizing that they do care about him and are better brothers to him than Charon and his old life ever will be. He asks if they ever doubted him; all of them, even D’Artagnan, reassure him that they never did for one second.

We’ve now seen everyone’s backstories, and this episode shows the loyalty and brotherhood between the men. This was the first episode without Constance and another without Milady. It was actually a bit refreshing to just see the story focus on the men without distractions from the outside. Also it’s good to know that the Musketeers are also excellent detectives as well. If the writers ever decide to do a spinoff, there’s your story idea right there.

Also, it wasn’t a good week for melons.

The Musketeers airs on Sundays 9/8C on BBC America. 

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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