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'Graceland' recap: Kiss and tell

Season 2 | Episode 5 | “H-A-DOUBLE-P-Y” | Aired July 16, 2014

After the mayhem of “Magic Number,” a lot of things could have gone down in episode 5 of Graceland, but no one could have predicted Paige’s loving rendition of Shirley Temple’s “You Gotta S-M-I-L-E to be H-A-DOUBLE-P-Y”. That’s a thing that really happened on this television program. If that’s not enough to get you to go watch Graceland, then you have no soul.

Paige and Mike are hunkered down with work, buses, human trafficking, blah, blah, blah, when Paige notices Mike’s adorable little pouty face. Paige attempts to cheer him up with Shirley Temple, and Mike recalls that the first time they met Paige was singing karaoke. That’s twice now that Serinda Swan has sung on Graceland, and zero for Aaron Tveit! What’s up with that? Their late-night work session is adorable until the next morning, when Mike finds Jess in the Graceland living room.

Mike Warren, you may have the hair of a greek god, but you cannot date these two ladies while they’re in the same house. Mike is flustered and offers to make breakfast, because when in doubt, you should always put on an apron. Despite her pantsuit, Jess isn’t in Graceland just for Mike. Now that the drugs have been found, D.C. is officially shutting down the operation. That means it’s crunch time for Johnny and Carlito, Jakes and the buses, and Paige and the Tinker Bells.

Graceland - Season 2

According to D.C., the Tinker Bell/human trafficking aspect of the operation is not a priority. Jess wants Mike to pull the human trafficking team (aka Paige) to help with the bus bust. Mike tells Paige that she can’t follow the girls anymore and Paige immediately knows how to fix that. She blatantly comes out and asks Mike how long he’s been sleeping with Jessica. Mike babbles something about Paige not being a fling and how she’s different, but the only thing Paige is worries about is the girls.

Instead of being upset with Mike for keeping the Jess thing from her, Paige tells Mike that he should seduce Jess into letting the human trafficking operation continue. Mike is taken aback but decides to go through with it anyway. Later, at Jess’s hotel, Mike flashes her a signature Mike Warren “look how innocent and adorable I am” grin, and she (like us all) melts to his will. She agrees to let Paige have backup for the human trafficking lead.

As sexy times are about to commence, Mike can’t go through with it knowing that Paige is waiting at home for him. Jess, smart FBI lady that she is, susses out that Mike cares about Paige and reneges on the offer to lend Paige some backup. Couldn’t Jess have let the operation continue despite Paige and Mike’s relationship? No, because this is a television program.

Mike tells Paige that he couldn’t go through with the seduction and she has to stop her operation. If Paige is touched that Mike really likes her, it is eclipsed by her need to follow the Tinker Bells. Instead of letting it go, she decides to “pull a Mike on Mike” and enlists Jakes to help her follow the girls to Sylmar.

Graceland - Season 2

Jakes’ night of debauchery is not the one-night thing you generally expect when hiring a street professional. Instead, he runs into a disheveled prostitute and invites her back to his apartment to “freshen up.” Jakes hasn’t been back to the apartment since the Daniel incident, so it’s a bit of a mess. His new blond friend doesn’t seem to care. Jakes is called into work by Mike and leaves the unnamed blonde in the house.

Jakes successfully gets the shipment schedule from the bus boss man, getting fired in the process. He heads back to his apartment to find the blonde palling around with Daniel. Daniel apparantly saw the letter from the lawyer and managed to figure out Jakes is his real father. He then took California public transport/his bike to get to Jakes’ apartment. The kid definitely has guts.

Instead of taking Daniel directly back to Cassandra and at least trying to respect the restraining order, Jakes takes the prostitute’s advise and spends the day with his son. They have a lovely day at the carnival, then drop off Daniel at his mom’s. Jakes’ blond friend is about to shed some emotion, but thinks better of it and asks Jakes for the $200 he owes her. All he has is $80, which she says is fine, and hops out of the car.

It seems like Jakes has gotten away with his day trip until he and Paige are out tracking the Tinker Bells. Paige goes into the bus terminal with a girl she found on the bus and a wire. Jakes is in his car listening in when two officers pull up, asking him to get out of his car. Jakes is arrested for violating his restraining order, and is taken away from his car and the link to Paige.

Meanwhile, in the bus terminal, Paige is having issues with her new recruit. One of the heroine balloons the girl swallowed ruptured in her stomach and she dies. Thinking Jakes will follow her and is still on the wire, Paige picks up the little pink backpack, swallows the heroine balloons and goes with the cowboy-hatted man herself, but there is no one in Jakes’ car. No one is listening on the other end, and Paige is being taken by sex traffickers. This is so not good.

Graceland - Season 2

All of that hullabaloo brings us to Johnny. Carlito Solano continues to produce insanity-driven entertainment with more threats and blood in “H-A-DOUBLE-P-Y,” but this time with a side of kissing. Johnny finds Carlito and Lucia playing a not-so-friendly game of glass baseball (a game in which you throw glasses at someones head and they bat them away with a lamp) in the living room. They seem to be arguing over Carlito scaring away Lucia’s boyfriends. Frankly Carlito probably doesn’t have to do anything to accomplish that. One look at Carlito and any guy with a brain would be out the door, but Johnny isn’t any guy and calmly tries to break up the fight.

Lucia successfully nails Carlito with a glass in the head, and he freaks out and starts choking her. Carlito does not seem to mind terribly that he is killing his sister, and holds her down despite Johnny’s protests. Desperate to save Lucia, Johnny punches Carlito in the face. That is probably not a good idea, considering he was choking his own sister for throwing a glass at him. Instead of turning around and shooting Johnny’s brains out, Carlito lets him go.

Johnny thinks his cover with Carlito is blown, but Mike still needs Johnny to get Carlito to the shipment pickup so they can arrest him. Johnny heads back to Carlito’s in the dead of night to apologize and is encountered with something … interesting. Carlito is smoking on the couch and begins to tell Johnny his story. He and Lucia were abused as kids. It got so bad that they made a suicide pack, but Lucia wouldn’t go through with it. Despite everything, she would never hurt Carlito, and the same goes for him toward Lucia. Carlito ends his story right up close to Johnny in the shadowed darkness, and asks Johnny if he believes in him. Taken aback by this twist, Johnny nods and leaves the house. Turns out the only thing that is keeping Johnny alive is his pretty pretty face. Man, it’s a good thing Johnny went under instead of Charlie. She would have been a bust.

Briggs and Mike suggest that Johnny use his powers of flirtation to get Carlito to go to shipment pickup, so it’s back to the club for Johnny. Johnny quotes Carlito’s heart-to-heart from the day before in an effort to get him alone, which he does. With some caressing and kissing, Johnny convinces Carlito to go to the pickup with Johnny—just the two of them. While he’s waiting for Carlito to pull the car around, Johnny finds Lucia smoking. She gives Johnny a devilish look and says she didn’t realize he was gay. Johnny tries to deny it, but apparently Carlito being gay isn’t a big secret after all. Johnny is so insistent that he isn’t gay, Lucia decides to take matters into her own hands. With a kiss goodbye, Lucia heads back to the club, leaving Johnny shocked and confused by these two Johnny-loving criminals.

On the way to the pickup point, Carlito gets a mystery call and immediately turns around. Something went wrong and the pickup is off. Briggs (who’s been trailing Carlito) lets Mike know that they’ve been made, and Mike immediately jumps to conspiracy. Someone inside the FBI must have tipped off Carlito. As Mike and Jess head toward the contraband, figuring they’ll at least get some drug evidence out of this ordeal, the barrels explode in their face. With Carlito onto them, Mike and his team are back to square one.

Graceland airs Wednesdays at 10/9 C on USA.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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