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'Derek' recap: Beach day!

Season 1 | Episode 5 | Aired Feb 20, 2013 (UK Channel 4)

For four episodes, our favorite crew of caretakers have tackled mean-spirited daughters, money issues and the passing of dear friends. Needless to say, they need a break and get one during episode 5. A field trip to the beach has been planned. Not only do we get to interact with the boys outside their element, but we learn exactly how important they are to Hannah, who’s left behind.

But first, money is on their minds as our threesome head out to raise funds for the home by selling some of Kev’s autographs. As we know from the first episode, Kev has a monstrous collection of signatures, and it’s a surprisingly nice gesture for him to part with a few.

Derek goes first by going through his book, which turns out to be a sweet disaster. He doesn’t know who signed the pages and often asks the celebrity to sign it as the character, not their actual name. The shop clerk kindly tells Derek he can’t offer to buy any of them—but hang on, shopkeeper. Kev is here to show you his best stuff!

At first, the clerk is interested, until he notices all of the pictures are of Kev standing with the stars with the autographs made out to him directly. Anybody who’s seen an episode of Pawn Stars knows a personal autograph is worth much less than a generic one. If you were going to buy a piece of memorabilia, why would you want to buy one made out to “Kev”? The clerk then begins to doubt the authenticity of Kev’s autographs, stating that Katie Holmes wouldn’t sign as “Kate,” and Uncle Ben is a brand of rice, not a real person. As Doug provides his usual commentary about how mucking around with the two of them is pure pointlessness, you almost feel bad for Kev while his prized collection gets picked apart. Almost.

Derek - S1 - E5 - Kev vs Autograph Clerk

But the boys have bigger things to worry about: a day trip to the beach! Excited for the journey, Derek celebrates by putting Kev and Doug into surprise wrestling holds. We’ve seen Derek do this before, but we now get a firsthand account of his WWE moves, courtesy of Kev and Dougie. It seems nothing will stop Derek from releasing his superstrong holds, including pretending to pass out. The problem with that tactic is that Derek can fall asleep while lovingly choking you out.

Awesome Doug Quote #1: “I make it like a game of Twister just to make it seem a little bit more normal. Just in case the council pops in unannounced.”

Awesome Derek Quote #2: “I loves wrestling because I’m strong and grabby. I like wrestling. It’s kind of like strong cuddling, really.”

After the wrestling match, the gang leaves for their trip to the shore. Hannah laments having to be left behind, but since she has a new resident to check in and some of older people can’t be left alone, she knows it’s part of the job. It’s another example of Hannah’s dedication to the people she cares for.

Back in the bus, Derek continues to grill Doug with hypothetical questions involving the battle of terminal diseases. Would rabies or AIDS win in a bloodstream race? Would it be possible to give rabies cancer? As Doug again comments that having Derek in the backseat is worse than driving while on the phone, we see a glimpse into the life Derek has had to lead. He’s well aware of all the terrible ways people can pass on.

Derek - S1 - E5 - Rabies vs Aids

Next we head back to the home, where the new resident arrives with her well-to-do daughter, Rebecca. It turns out she and Hannah were old schoolmates. After some snide “I feel sorry for you” questions to Hannah about if she ever graduated or went to college, it’s clear that Rebecca, much like Shelly from episode 4, has a high opinion of herself. After Rebecca asks about Hannah’s qualifications and snidely comments on her being a high school dropout, Hannah feels self-conscious. More insight into who Hannah was before her work in the home.

Still traveling to the beach, Kev and Derek need a quick bathroom break. After Doug tells Kev to not piss on the wheel, the two go to the bushes. Derek gets a glance at Kev’s knob and announces to the bus that he’s just seen the worst penis in his whole life. Entirely too much information.

Back at the home, Hannah tells the camera how seeing Rebecca again has made her feel a bit bad for herself. Hannah admits she’s never been a go-getter, and seeing her obviously successful and judgmental friend has dimmed her day a bit.

The “Feel for Her a Bit” Moment: Hannah thinks back to a quote from our long-passed friend Joan, who said, “You make a living from what you get; you make a life from what you give.” As she recognizes Derek is the epitome of that sentiment, it’s clear she desperately wishes the boys were back—oddly enough, even Kev.

Doug comments how Hannah’s life may not have turned out the way she originally hoped, but it’s only because she thinks of everybody else before herself. A touching montage of Hannah giving and giving reminds us of that simple fact.

When the bus finally arrives at the shore, the lads are having a fine time jumping around on rides, wrestling on a bouncy castle and sleeping on the merry-go-round. (Kev. Obviously.) Doug is the only one who seems incapable of having a good time, as his attempts to relax get thwarted by Derek and a paddleball game with one of the residents goes frustratingly wrong.

Still hanging with Rebecca at the home, Hannah is relieved to see Vicki come in to start her shift. After Rebecca learns she’s an unpaid volunteer, she implies there’s no way Vicki could possibly care about her work. Hannah quickly interjects how hardworking volunteers are, and after being dismissed again by Rebecca, Vicki very politely threatens to shove Rebecca’s head down a toilet if she disrespects her again. Rebecca is disgusted and assumes Vicki is getting a stern talking-to for being so crass. As Hannah and Vicki leave, it’s obviously quite the opposite.

Heartwarming Derek Moment: Seeing a snail crawling through the sand, Derek wonders if he can help it by carving a route for it to the sea. It’s another simple gesture showcasing Derek’s wonder with the world around him.

But what has Kev decided to do as their beach day winds down? Write curse words on crabs. The beauty of this is how Doug and Derek go right along with him. Kev explains there’s not much else to do when presented with a marker pen and a blank crab back, and they both shrug and accept it. Kev’s an odd bird, but sometimes you need to stop fighting and let him write QUIM, TITS and COCK on the backs of crustaceans. He could be doing a lot worse.

After a day of Hannah listening to Rebecca prattle on, the crew finally returns and tells her all about their adventures. Derek saw Kev’s terrible privates, Kev wrote nasty words on living crabs, etc. Rebecca hears all this and, after Hannah refers to them as her friends, she huffs to her mom in disgust.

“Lovely Kick in the Gut” Moment: After Rebecca’s obvious disapproval of Hannah’s friends, her mom comments, “You should get some.” Flustered, Rebecca goes to leave and lays some “Sorry I’ve been such a disappointment to you” drama as a parting shot. Her mom’s response? “It’s always been the other way around, and you know it.” Quick but completely telling.

As the residents make their new friend feel at home, Hannah gives one last camera confessional. It was nice to see Rebecca, but for all of the stuff she has and all of the rooms in her home, she doesn’t have one for her mother. Hannah’s final quip puts a solid period on an episode that reminds us it’s not have you have, it’s what you give. More important lessons from an important episode. #BeLikeDerek

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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