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Crossbones 104: Selima, Blackbeard (NBC)

'Crossbones' recap: Gathering storms

Season 1 | Episode 4 | “Antoinette” | Aired June 27, 2014

After last week’s angry-sex encounter with young Charles, it’s surprising to see Selima disrobing and throwing herself at the Commodore. It’s even more surprising to see her get shut down. He tells her she can’t lie to him, “least of all with your body.” Ouch. Mortified, she runs out.

Crossbones 104: Jagger, Finnegan (NBC)In Jamaica, Capt. Finnegan (using an assumed name) meets with Jagger in the beach dunes to arrange the sale of the chronometer. Jagger proceeds to describe Finnegan, the charges against him, his family in Yorshire — in other words, Finnegan is busted. Knowing he’s surrounded by Finnegan’s men, Jagger threatens to spit-roast his nieces, sister and mom if any harm befalls him on this beach, and leads Finnegan away to talk in a more civilized environment.

The Commodore is again lounging in bed, when he feels someone join him. He begins to protest, but when he turns his head, his ghost girlfriend jumps on him and screeches in his face.

Lowe visits the Commodore, who gives him a book on anatomy as a gift, then asks him if he believes in ghosts. That would be a no. Commodore doesn’t either, of course, but his ghostly girlfriend is really starting to become a nuisance. Lowe does a test, asking Commodore to blink into the light of a candle, which somehow knocks him out. Lowe starts snooping.

Jagger berates Finnegan, who is tied to a chair. His story about raiding the Petrel is a complete fabrication. How does Jagger know? Because he had his initials engraved on the original chronometer — this is not the original. He knows Blackbeard is behind it, and Finnegan had better tell him where Blackbeard is or he will “wreak havoc” upon him. Sounds freaky, but Jagger might just be a freaky kind of guy.

Lowe finds a map of Jamaica and surmises that the hellburner that Capt. Valentine described before his death is intended for the island. The Commodore stirs. Does Lowe know what’s wrong with him? Lowe thinks it’s from too many blows to the head. But is he dying?

Commodore visits (fully dressed) Selima. There’s a storm brewing. Round everyone up: “We sail at dawn.”

Lowe visits James, who wants his help to build strength in his broken body. No problem, says Lowe.

At Archangel Island, the Commodore brokers a deal to buy some fighters for his pirate army.

Lowe provides James with some water therapy.

Crossbones 104: Rose, Nenna (NBC)Rose plots to get her jewel back and rummages through Nenna’s things. Nenna catches her, threatens her, but ultimately lets her go. Did Nenna just admit to being in love with Rose?

Charlie visits Selima: “He knows.” She insists he doesn’t. He insists he does. They’re getting angry again. Wonder if this conversation is leading to another angry-sexy moment.

Selima, visibly cringing in his presence — guilt much? — later tells Commodore that they can’t afford the fighters he offered to buy. Commodore says he’d better get busy scraping together some money.

Crossbones 104: Lowe, Kate (NBC)Lowe walks with Kate on the beach. They agree that James is fabulous. Lowe doesn’t want to add to his pain. Their fling is done.

“You seem very buoyant this morning, Commodore,” Lowe later tells his Blackbeard friend. “Time is a winged chariot, Mr. Lowe. It focuses the mind,” the Commodore replies. (I argue with myself about whether that answers the implied question.) Commodore admires Lowe’s drawing skills and asks him to draw him. Commodore then tells Lowe that he admires his stealth skills and wants him to rob someone.

Charles and Nenna join Lowe and the Commodore to hatch a plan to steal a map from the Spanish that’s being kept in the governor’s mansion in Cuba. No killing, no shouting, no dancing jigs in the streets of Cuba. “I was raised to believe that the Devil vomits Spaniards,” Lowe says, trying to assure Charles that they can work together. Sail on the next tide, Commodore commands them.

Back at his beach hovel, Lowe commands Fletch to go find the wild man he saw that one time, as he suspects he’s connected to the Commodore’s plan to attack the British in Jamaica. Fletch: Nah. Lowe convinces him he has more guts than sense.

Crossbones 104: James, Blackbeard (NBC)James is playing with diamonds. One goes bouncing across the floor and lands at the Commodore’s feet. Commodore: I thought you were a “dilettante peacock” when you got here, but you’ve proven your worth. The short story: James is building another chronometer for Lowe and incorporating the diamonds, but his progress has been retarded by his opium withdrawal. Lowe will cut out his gizzards if James’ efforts to win back Kate interfere with his plans and leaves him a pipe with which to “equalize” his pasty, sweating, shivering self. Kate later catches him ogling the drug paraphernalia. “For God’s sake, take it away,” he implores her. She does.

Fletch hunts the wild man.

Reluctant co-conspirators Nenna, Charles and Lowe row up to the Cuban shore and make for Governor Portocarrero’s Mansion. Nenna and Lowe leave Charles to slice up some watchmen if they’re discovered. In the governor’s map room, Lowe quickly traces the important part of the map.

Crossbones 104: Woman in White (NBC)Commodore receives a visitation from his ghost girlfriend and a small ghost boy, whom he embraces lovingly, but confesses isn’t real.

Kate strokes James, who’s going through a hard withdrawal.

Back on the beach, Charles pulls a knife on Lowe. Nenna pulls a sword on Charles.

Crossbones 104: Jagger (NBC)Jagger stands over Finnegan’s displaced eyeball — that is, it is on the ground and not in his head. Their bloodied prisoner — we don’t know if he’s sitting there alive and unconscious or dead — hasn’t given up any information. Jagger tells his torturer that they need to get someone who’s beyond Blackbeard’s reach, and it’s apparent he has an exact someone in mind.

Fletch quest update: He finds a campground and a cave. Entering the cave, he discovers … something! Something we don’t get to see yet.

Commodore, in wigged disguise, offers the new chronometer to Governor Portocarrero, who marvels at it. The governor gives him at least six hefty trunks full of gold, but Commodore is more interested in the treasure room they’re hauled from, which brims with loot.

The Commodore uses the gold to buy his army, which will be ready in six weeks.

Jagger visits the jails. The person beyond Blackbeard’s reach is — the ghostly girlfriend!

Crossbones takes a break next week for the July 4 holiday, but will return on July 11. The preview promises that Lowe’s secret life of an assassin will be revealed. Wonder whose “heads will roll”!

Crossbones, rated TV-14, airs Fridays at 10/9 C on NBC.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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