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Dominion, season 1, episode 2 funeral

Image Credit: Syfy

'Dominion' recap: Tattoo you

Season 1 | Episode 2 | “Godspeed” | Aired June 26, 2014

Previously — Our setting is the city of Vega, built on the post-apocalyptic angel war ruins of Las Vegas. Archangel Michael protects the humans of Vega. Archangel Gabriel lives in a mountain in Denver and plots to exterminate the non-winged so God will come back. Alex Lannon is the Chosen One, prophesized to save humanity from evil angels, and he’s got the tattoos to prove it. Oh, and Dominion’s CGI is awful, but it’s the Syfy channel, so I’m sure they’re doing their best.

Whilst watching the “Previously on …,” a mental note was written that should have been written last week. And that mental note was “hubba bubba” at Our Hero’s newly angelic tattoos all over his more-than-serviceable body. The Dominion people are smart, because they know that you begin pandering to your straight-gal and gay-guy fans immediately. That’s the way your show gets shipped (Alex and Michael! Michael and David! That jaundiced orphan and food!) and GIFed and memed on Tumblr, and hopefully translates into ratings. But I digress …

Flashback! Lil’ Alex and Younger Jeep live hoop dreams in the driveway, and they’re father-son chummy until things that look like 8-balls attack from the roof. Shingles fly, and that block party Mrs. Steubens was trying to organize is SO canceled. Alex goes inside and retrieves the pump-action shotgun from the safe. He is lured into opening the front door by an 8-ball imitating his dad’s voice. It’s not as scary as when the evil plants imitated a cell phone ringing in The Ruins, but that’s still a creepy, underhanded ability. Dad saves Alex and pledges to never leave him. As we know, this was total B.S. Because Dad took off on Alex at age 11 and daddy issues ensued. And now we’re back in the present, and Alex is watching his dad’s funeral pyre blazing.

The hoi polloi (including David, Edward and Archangel Michael’s Senatress gf Becca) meet, and everyone dogpiles on David Whele for bringing that chubby flying-squirrel 8-ball into the city, where it killed a bunch of people. Becca and several other no-name politicos want David punished. A Christine Ebersole lookalike Senatress nervously defends David (total blackmail victim, right?), and Edward (I still see him as Penny’s evil dad from Lost) backs her play. David lies and claims that the 8-ball was caught INSIDE Vega. Shady.

140620_2793038_This_Season_on_Dominion____480x270_480x270_285435971693Alex deals with funerals the way my family does (we’re from Boston) by getting shattered  and going to see his girlfriend, Princess Claire. Alex’s fellow soldier Noma has Princess Claire guard duty and tells him to scoot, putting him in a half-nelson for emphasis. Claire calls off her rival for Alex’s affections and brings drunkie inside. Alex, once again, wants them to flee the city, and if you think she’s getting into your Jeep with you in this state,  you’re crazy, Chosen One! Claire informs him that he’s the Chosen One, the legend was real, and there is no way in hell she’s leaving Vega with all this going on. Again imitating my drunken family post-funeral, Alex turns evil and tells her she’s a spoiled  princess and a fake. She counters that he’s an ugly drunk. One of these has been proven definitive, so Princess Claire drops the mic and tells Alex to sashay away.

David and Edward have evil politico bedfellows talk, and both agree that Alex’s new tattoos shouldn’t be a breaking news item for the public because it could cause hysteria. David mentions the tech people that were in the bunker that night, and has his Abercrombie & Fitch secret police kill one of them (you can infer that the poor bastard’s fate is representative of his coworkers’) and feed him to a lion. Rome! Lions! Christians! Nom nom!

Meanwhile, back at Gabriel’s Rocky Mountain digs, the two angels that didn’t survive last episode’s attack on Vega are dipped in amber and a celebratory orgy is held around them. Obviously, Gabriel’s crew DOES NOT handle funerals like my family. Gabriel is summoned to a cliff-side meeting with Michael. They hash out the attack on Vega and make pretty sparks with their swords. Gabriel opines that God took a hike ’cause he 406683_600was embarrassed at how humanity turned out — polluting the planet, oppressing each other and putting the Kardashians on TV. Michael counters that he’s just jealous that God gave his attention to us and not the angels. Gabriel unsheathes his catfight claws further and points out that now that the humans have a Chosen One, what do they need Michael for, huh, huh? Gabe takes off (the turn-around and hair flip is implied) and Michael ponders.

Remember Arika? Well, the handmaidens of Helena have been stripped of their ceremonial robes (the pink and purple abaya and burqa combo everyone was sporting last ep) due to the redhead devil child infiltrating them and offing Alex’s pops. Arika is summoned before David, and he basically tells her how shifty and shady and totally effective she is when it comes to getting what she wants for Helena and Helena’s ruler (and her wife) Evelyn. He sorta slut-shames her, but then notes that it’s a helpful quality when it comes to diplomacy and business, and also implies that she mates and she kills, which she denies. David mentions that she could very well be put to death for the murder. She protests that the evil ginger child had EVERYONE fooled and get over it, Giles. David wants Helena’s air force on Vega’s side and he will use her to get it. She replies that her wife will bomb their asses into dust if anything happens to her. Hashtag impasse.

Claire and the jaundiced orphan friend of Alex have breakfast the next morning. Claire has sworn to protect her from possibly receiving a third eye and being consumed by Mufasa. If only — sorry, but jaundiced orphans are such a ploy. They’re being waited on by a servant named Felicia. Keep her in mind, because, you’ll see. Edward joins Claire at breakfast and she relates how irritated she is that he and David engaged her to be married to David’s son William without telling her first. She also brings up how the postwar caste system was only put in place for organizing purposes and was supposed to be temporary — so fix it, Dad! She huffs off, and Edward has a troubling chest pain. We later find out from Becca that Edward has congestive heart failure, and there’s no set ETA on when his ticker will quit it. We also find out that he’s been going outside of Vega for weeks now, and he won’t say why.

Edward reassigns Alex to guarding House Whele, specifically William the turncoat televangelist. We find out that he’s followed in his father’s footsteps, as David was quite the Jan Crouch (sans cotton-candy wig, I guess) before the war. David warns Alex that his nifty new tats could get him worshiped or put on a cross to die. Meanwhile, in the cultural insensitivity section of Vega’s lockup, the de-burqa-ed handmaidens of Helena are using their nails to scratch up poison from the floor in what looks like will be an assassination attempt on David. What in hell is the Vega jail built on? Is there toxic waste under Vegas? I THOUGHT the breakfast buffet at the Bellagio tasted a bit off that one time. It turns out these are some SERIOUS ladies, and they instead off themselves so Arika can blackmail David into freeing her. Otherwise, she’ll make it known that he had all of them killed so that Helena declares war on Vega. Arika ain’t playin’.

Alex and Claire make up just in time for Claire’s personal IHOP waitress, Felicia, to reveal her evil wings and try to kill Alex. She found out he’s406347_600 the Chosen One, you see. They fight, and Princess Claire and the jaundiced orphan are both injured in the crossfire. Alex manages to defeat Felicia by setting her wings on fire and kicking her out a window. Felicia reports back to Gabriel, and he now knows the Chosen One is the cute, short blond guard-type who’s always hanging around the  House Reisen. Alex decides his presence is putting everyone in danger, so he hightails it  outta Vega, his tattoos starting to rearrange themselves. 

And in an interesting twist ending, Edward goes to the remains of the Luxor and is  revealed to be getting after it with a sexy 8-ball who seriously ruined what was probably a  gorgeous suite, with a lot of pictures ripped out of magazines and salvaged Hello Kitty items. Annnddd scene!

Dominion, rated TV-MA, airs Thursdays 9/8 C on Syfy.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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