Season 1 | Episode 4 | “The Virginity Thief” | Aired June 25, 2014
Nobody likes a stroll down memory lane better than I do, and this week Jennifer Falls sweetened the pot with Steve Howey (Shameless, Reba) as Jennifer’s and Dina’s high school … ahem … friend.
When Gretchen finds Jennifer’s yearbook tucked away in the closet (as well as evidence of Jennifer’s membership to the 420 club), the ladies start to reminisce about their high school days. Things we need to know: Jennifer had “the Rachel” haircut six months before Jennifer Aniston did, and Dina didn’t mind the short shorts as captain of the basketball team. As they look over the yearbook, Jennifer remembers Frank Perinsky (Steve Howey) as the quiet charmer she lost her virginity to the summer after sophomore year.
Apparently that was a busy summer for everybody, because as Jennifer muses over her and Frank’s promise not to tell anyone because it would “lose the magic,” Dina reveals that Frank was her first as well. As the ladies talk, it becomes clear they both slept with Frank at the same Fourth of July party: before the fireworks. The weird-out quotient of the episode skyrockets at this revelation, and the ladies recognize the need to avenge their V.
As any sane pair of friends would do, they begin to pound shots and plot a wildly implausible revenge scheme. One drunk cab ride later, they turn up at Frank’s house to avenge their high school selves. They begin to toss cherries at his window, because, well … you know. And when that doesn’t work, Jennifer heaves a garden gnome through the window.
Lucy and Ethel would have been proud at the high jinks that ensued as Frank comes to his door to find the ladies too drunk to make a proper getaway. At least Jennifer talked Dina out of pooping in the bushes. Wait, no, she didn’t.
Frank turns up at the bar the next day (Jennifer left evidence of her identity at the scene), and he seems like a perfect gentleman. Howey could probably the charm the Queen out of her knickers with that grin-and-eyebrow combination, so it is no surprise that Jennifer says yes when he asks her out for dinner. Even though she and Dina made a pact to hate him, Frank is pretty irresistible — all contrite and winky like that. I might have had a hard time saying no as well.
Frank and Jennifer go to dinner, and just when you start to think he might be a good guy, we realize he’s seeing them both, again. He encourages them both not to tell the other, earning those douchebag horns (also known as frosted tips) he sported in high school, and then uses the friends to gather intel about each other. Dina likes candy corn — it’s her “favorite vegetable” — and Jennifer likes pepperoni sticks. Nobody on Jennifer Falls is worried about their cholesterol, or diabetes, for that matter.
It doesn’t take the ladies long to figure out what’s going on, and with a little help from the Hootie and the Blowfish classic “I Only Wanna Be with You,” the ladies realize what’s been happening. Without much discussion, Jennifer and Dina decide the only thing to do is to go to his sporting goods store’s event and make a scene. It’s only fair that since he ruined their grand opening, they should ruin his.
“Ruin” might be an understatement, as Jennifer and Dina lure him into his office with the promise of a threeway, then force him onto the showroom, naked. Public humiliation is not enough for these tough cookies, so they announced that every item in the store is free for the next 10 minutes. I don’t think we are going to be seeing much more of Frank in the coming episodes.
Worth mentioning this week is the game of emotional blackmail between Wayne and Maggie. When Stephanie loses the stone from her ring, the couple discovers that the family heirloom is a fake. When they confront Maggie, she confesses to giving them a replica because she didn’t know if the relationship would last and she didn’t want the ring to wind up “in some pawn shop in Reno.”
Maggie feels guilty enough, so Wayne decides to use her guilt to earn cash and/or prizes, just like on The Price Is Right. When Maggie presents them with a trip to Hawaii, Wayne balks. Everybody knows you don’t accept the first showcase because the second showcase always has the car. But Maggie won’t be duped, and when their standoff comes to a head, she hints there might be a second, more valuable gift on the table. Wayne jumps at this, and Maggie reveals it’s a poem. Check and mate.
What do you think about Jennifer’s and Dina’s romantic choices so far? Who would make the perfect boyfriend for her and Dina? Anybody hoping for a My Name Is Earl reunion like I am?