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'The Fosters' premiere recap: Lost and found

Season 2 | Episode 1 | “Things Unknown” | Aired June 16, 2014

Readers, rejoice! Everyone’s favorite foster family is back for a season that promises to be full of drama, hugs, more drama, inappropriate relationships, other drama and, oh yeah, MURDER (maybe). The Fosters summer premiere kicked off on June 16, and in case you forgot where we left things, here’s a quick refresher:

Callie’s (Maia Mitchell) long-awaited adoption fell through because as we discovered, she and Jude (Hayden Byerly) have different birth dads. Jude is finally an Adams-Foster. Mariana (Cierra Ramirez) had the cutest boyfriend for like 5 minutes. Jesus (Jake T. Austin) finally won over wrestler Emma (Amanda Leighton). Lena (Sherri Saum) and Stef (Teri Polo) are having a baby! Brandon (David Lambert) is in the deep throes of a shame spiral brought on first by his thwarted love for Callie, made worse by that time he hooked up with his dad’s crazytown girlfriend, and topped off by our dear pianist’s hand getting smashed in a car door. And don’t forget, Mike (Danny Nucci), B’s dad, may or may not have “gotten rid of” Ana (Alexandra Barreto) permanently.

Like I said, DRAMA.

Toward the end of the premiere episode, Jude, on an emotional high since receiving his shiny new birth certificate, shares an essay about what his school, Anchor Beach, means to him.  He goes on to tell us that it’s easy to get lost at sea, but he has found his anchor. Jude declares that finally, in this home, in this family, he’s “not lost anymore.” This rings true for all of the Adams-Fosters, each one of them in varying states of lost and found.

jude

Let’s check in on our most lost-at-sea family member, Brandon. We begin the episode with B where we left him in the finale — beaten, bloodied, his hand crushed, all for standing up to fake ID enthusiast Vico (Reiley McClendon). Flash-forward a few weeks later: B’s hand is still on the mend and he just can’t shake that one-night stand with his dad’s girlfriend, Dani (Marla Sokoloff). Dani hunts him down at school to tell him she’s moving in with Mike and B should just get over it. Way to beat a dude when he’s down, Dani. Also, who let you onto school grounds?

We get some glimpses of Brandon post-beating via flashbacks. Basically, Vico is the worst but his parents are rich, so he’s only saddled with two years of probation for beating up B. The joke is on him, though, because his name is Vico. To add insult to injury, Brandon has to be reminded that Callie, the love of his life and one-day foster sibling, is still dating that long-haired stallion Wyatt (Alex Saxon). B is having, like, the worst month EVER.

Honest sidebar: I love Wyatt. I love Callie and Wyatt. I fully support this relationship full of beautiful hair.

Later, Stef walks into Brandon’s room, following the sound of piano music, and finds her son sitting at his keyboard. FAKE OUT! It’s just a recording. Did you really think Brandon would magically start playing the piano again? We’re all learning together that it won’t be that easy.

Inspired by Jude’s essay, B pays his dad a visit, whom he’s been avoiding for obvious reasons (the inappropriate sex). Just when we think B is going to confront his dad with the truth about Dani, he instead decides to confess that he still can’t feel some of his fingers and he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to play the piano again. It’s a heartbreaking scene to watch when Brandon asks Mike, “What am I gonna do if I can’t do it? Who am I gonna be?”

Brandon, I’d tell you things can’t get much worse, but I’ve watched TV before. Hang in there, brother.

brandon

On the flip side, I think Callie is, for a short time, the closest to a real anchor that she’s ever been before. Sure, having her adoption mucked up because her real father is someone different from the person she’s been led to believe was her father her whole life is troubling. However, she seems pretty zen about the whole thing. Faced with two options in order to move her adoption along — find her real father, Robert Quinn, or wait till she’s 18 — Callie chooses the latter. She tells Wyatt and Daphne (Dafanay Clark), her onetime prison enemy, then group home bud, now coworker, that she’d rather just keep things simple and not “open that door.”

Things get complicated anyway (as they normally do in Callie’s world). Turns out Stef and Lena’s license to foster has expired, so Callie gets the boot. They stick her in a home where the old lady running the show thinks it would be a cool idea to lock Callie in her room at night. Luckily, Callie has Stef in her corner. Don’t mess with mama bear, ya heard? Stef hunts down the judge until he agrees to temporarily renew her and Lena’s fostering license, so Callie can go home. They have 30 days to straighten it out.

Callie decides that she doesn’t want to sit around and wait to be pulled out of Stef and Lena’s house again — they need to find Robert Quinn. In other words, Callie isn’t running away from this; it’s a big moment of growth. Stef quickly gets news that Robert Quinn has been located and served with abandonment papers. It’s his move now. All they can do is wait.

Here’s where it gets REALLY good, you guys. Guess who walks into Callie’s place of work? It’s Kerr Smith, aka Dawson’s Creek‘s Jack McPhee, aka some guy creepily checking out Callie. I think we all know that he must be Robert Quinn.

In other family news:

  • Mariana has dyed her hair blond and joined a miniature version of the Pussycat Dolls.
  • Jesus offers to quit the wrestling team when Emma begins to feel less like one of the guys and more like just Jesus’ girlfriend. But Emma tells Jesus to get a grip, dude — she’s an independent lady and she can take care of herself.
  • Stef is pretty much a bad-ass mom and a bad-ass cop this entire episode. She fights for Callie, she calls Mariana out on her terrible hair and she’s totally on to Mike. I want to hug Teri Polo throughout most of the hour. She’s kind of the best.
  • Fun facts about Lena: Pregnancy is making her crave potato chips and spaghetti for breakfast, and as a teenager, she and her mom fought constantly because Lena traded in those pretty curls for straight hair (so she totally gets where Mariana is coming from).

 

What do we think, Foster fam? Whose secret will come out first, Brandon’s or Mike’s? Will Brandon ever play the piano again? What’s this Robert Quinn character up to? But most important, in the battle for awesome hair, who wins — Lena’s curls or Wyatt’s luscious locks?

The Fosters, rated TV-14, airs Mondays at 9/8 C on ABC Family.

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TV Families

TV Families — We compare various television clans through the years to see how they stack up, from ”The Brady Bunch” to ”The Flintstones”

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The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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<div class="article-body"> <div class="article__letter-grade"><span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span><p aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></p></div> <div class="article-body__inner"> <div class="triangle-anchor"></div><p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. 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