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'Hollywood Exes' recap: Speaking of eggs

Season 3 | Episode 5 | Aired June 4, 2014

There is a lot of talk about babies, making babies, getting ready to make babies, no longer having babies and … racism on this installment of Hollywood Exes. Baby fever has hit our ladies hard, and they are fighting the tug in their ovaries this week — that is, when they aren’t repeating the phrase “don’t mesh” over and over and making puns using the words “black and white.”

cakeNow that Shanna has outed Jessica as a would-be racist, Sheree has to make sure everyone sees those texts. Under the pretense that “it affects us all,” she shows the (presumably forwarded) texts to Drea over wedding cake samples. This feels like a real sugar buzzkill to me, but Drea agrees it was something she needed to know (Drea and I disagree here too). Drea’s initial reaction is disbelief, but that quickly evolves to anger when she proclaims their friendship dead, and she claims she’s going to disinvite Jessica to the wedding. That’s a bold move in any friendship and really hard to come back from — I hope she gives that a second thought. Nobody has spoken to Jessica about these texts yet, but Sheree is bound and determined to spread the news.

MaytepeesThe next stop on her run-and-tell tour is Mayte’s house, during which Mayte is taking a pregnancy test. In all my years of reality-TV viewing, I’ve been privy to some pretty intimate moments (anybody remember Tamra Barney in the bathtub?), but this is, by far, the most overshare moment I’ve seen this season; especially as Sheree holds the pee-end of the stick, while they offer advice about when to try again. Shanna says “keep on pumping,” but Sheree thinks she should postpone until Umberto is in the same city. As they wait the two minutes (it’s negative, by the way, but Mayte seems OK with it), they discuss the Jessica situation, and Shanna proclaims she never wants to speak to her again. Mayte, for once, is the voice of reason, reserving judgment until she can get Jessica’s side of things. Good for you, Mayte!

BriandancesBaby talk continues, as Drea and Brian eat lunch with Brian’s mother. Drea, thinking she would find an ally in her future mother-in-law, asks her opinion about having more grandchildren, and Brian’s mother replies with an adamant “No way!” Brian, in his continued campaign for King Douche of the Year, does an actual happy-dance and does a fist pump when Mama Loraine takes his side. Ugh. Who is this guy?

Drea and Mayte have similar concerns about getting pregnant at their age, so Mayte consults a fertility doctor, who shows her some pretty bleak charts. Warning: Women over 40 with fragile self-esteem should probably fast-forward through that part. It doesn’t make us feel good about our shelf life, ladies. Mayte, however, gets some good news: She’s got 20 eggs, which is a lot, and she is so relieved she takes the ultrasound picture of her ovaries home with her.

In case everyone in Hollywood hasn’t read the texts Jessica sent, Sheree shows them to Nicole, and Nicole seems to be the most genuinely upset by it — probably because she and Jessica are the closest, but maybe because Nicole is of mixed race. That is going to make for a very awkward conversation over the dinner that Sheree insists they have. Sheree is unapologetic about being the obvious shit-stirrer and tells Nicole, straight away, “It’s bad for ya girl.”

ShereeSheree is right, though. It did get bad for Jessica at that dinner, as she walked into Mayte, Nicole and Sheree around a table set with blame, finger-pointing and accusatory tones. Jessica didn’t even order a drink and got right down to business. She told the ladies it was taken out of context, which they didn’t buy; that she was venting to a friend after being harassed by some black girls while on a date with Austin, at which they felt insulted; that she wishes she was a black girl so she could finally fit in, which led them to accuse her of playing a victim; and finally claimed she JessicaMadwas the least racist person of all. Sheree was running the meeting and refused to accept her reasons, calling them excuses, and Jessica’s defensive nature got the better of her. She stormed out of the restaurant yelling that black and white girls don’t mesh in her world after all. Not the right call, Jessica.

ShereeHugIn one of the more poignant scenes this week, we get to watch Drea and Brian participate in marriage counseling with Sheree and Terrell (who, by the way, are wearing matching outfits). Drea confesses her fear of abandonment, and seems to have changed her position on having more kids “if I have to do it alone.” But Sheree doesn’t believe her (nor do I) and suspects this is going to be a major issue in Drea and Brian’s relationship. (If she only knew what we know, the conversation about kids wouldn’t be such a top priority.) Drea and Sheree have a heartfelt moment, as Sheree says she is sorry for everything Drea had to go through. Hollywood Exes got me on that one. I was a bawling mess. It was that sweet.

mayteseggsSheree and Mayte meet following Jessica’s intervention to rehash the night, and Sheree worries that when Drea gets wind of Jessica’s feelings, “she’s gonna give her a beating. I just hope it’s not physical.” As I was sorting out my feelings about this little nugget, Mayte whips out the pictures of her eggs and shows it to Sheree like a mother would her toddler. It was weird, and mildly inappropriate, but I am starting to find Mayte’s trouble with boundaries a little endearing. It is then that Sheree talks about her regret at not having more kids, and baby fever spikes to an all-time high.

ShannaSurpriseThe episode ends with a tattoo party at Shanna’s in which Drunk Sheree makes an appearance (with a little pharmaceutical help offered by Shanna). By the way, Drunk Sheree is my favorite, and I want her at all my parties. She gets “turnt up” (their words, not mine) and starts dropping truth bombs on the ladies: Martin Lawrence isn’t cute, she would sleep with Prince, Travis Barker is weird, etc. It’s also at Shanna’s tattoo party that Mayte tattles on Jessica to Shamicka for the “hood rat” comment. Shamicka gets mad, of course, puts her hand on her hip and threatens bodily harm. We’ll see.

The scenes from next week Shamickatease a trip to Hawaii, and I am interested in the guest list — Jessica or not? What do you think of Jessica’s explanation for the tweets? Whose side are you on?

For more about what I think about tons of other shows and such, visit me at Honest Reviews Corner Online or TV Megasite.

Hollywood Exes airs Wednesdays at 9/8 C on VH1.


TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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