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Image Credit: The CW

'Famous in 12' premiere recap: It's all about the schemes

Season 1 | Episode 1 | “Are We Famous Yet?” | Aired June 3, 2014

Remember when celebrities achieved fame by sheer talent? No? Yeah, neither do I. As Harvey Levin points out at the open of Famous in 12, the new “social experiment” show on The CW (which he is helping produce), “achieving fame is different than it was 10 years ago and has very little to do with raw talent.” (He reminds us that Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian found their fame horizontally, as if we could ever forget. But regardless of which way their feet are pointing, the Artiagas — the family trying to become famous in a mere 12 weeks through stunts and social-media domination — are willing to to play this game to fame.

Let’s jump right into week 1 of this “24/7 experiment,” shall we? Although if tonight’s episode is any indication of how the next 11 weeks will play out, I might be phoning these recaps in from hell.

Levin preps his TMZ staffers on the family and the objective of the show, telling them that “the reason they’re going to become famous is because they’re shameless.” Yet to be seen, Harvey, but I like you, so I’ll trust you (even though you’re a lawyer). He tells his motley crew of TMZers (who so far are my favorite people on this show) that they will be putting the family in the right situations and the right places in and around Hollywood, but ultimately it will be up to them to make their own luck. Good, uh, luck with that.

We briefly meet the playas, which is a number much smaller than I expected, given the 11-member family. I guess the rest of the prodigies will slowly make their way into the spotlight as the weeks go on. Hey, at least that gives us something to look forward to. The main characters this first week are Angie (the “momager” who writes erotic fiction in her closet), DJ Mike (or, as I like to call him, “DJ Dad,” who is an actual DJ and goes by the name “DJ Starr”), Taliah (“thinks she’s a great dancer”), Jameelah (pictured above, “thinks she’s this great model”) and Maariyah (“thinks she’s a great singer”). Hey, I didn’t say it, Harvey Levin did.

The Artiagas want to be famous so badly that they’ve all quit their jobs, packed up their SUV and moved to Los Angeles from sleepy Beaumont, California, a town they all speak (sort of) kindly about, yet are super-excited to leave and cry at the thought of returning to. How ya feelin’ now, Beaumont? Levin meets with the five Artiagas at the TMZ studios (they are all understandably impressed) and tells them that their number-one goal is to remember one word: SCHEMING. He goes on to say that they need to have “shock value,” because in 2014 it’s schemes and shock value that turn people into celebrities. #ProudToBeAnAmerican

Levin: The clock is ticking, people. You have 12 weeks to use social media and the opportunities given to you to make people care.

(At least, I think that’s what he said. I’m not sure. I was refilling my bowl of Skinny Pop and glass of wine while checking Twitter.)

Scheme #1: Cupcakes for “celebrities”
Levin and the TMZ team set up the three sisters at a popular intersection where celebrities are often sighted, wearing bikinis, holding a tray of cupcakes and waving poster-board signs. Must I really continue? Fine. The object of this stunt is to give cupcakes to celebrities (but only to celebrities).

Levin: If they do this, things start to spread.

Yeah, he really said that. Harvey Levin: 100. Artiaga family: 0.

Despite the girls prancing around in their bikinis holding their poster boards over their heads à la MMA ring girls and seductively triple-teaming a cupcake, the only “celebrities” they encounter are a Real Housewife and a Beverly Hills Nanny. The girls are beside themselves with excitement with these G-listers, however. Huh. If these ladies are their definition of fame, then they just might actually succeed in this game.

Scheme #2: Sex tapes and vegetarians
The three sisters and their momager are dining in hot spot Katsuya when they see Ray J at the bar. Jameelah approaches Kim K’s sex-tape costar and introduces herself, telling him the family’s plan to become famous and managing to get a selfie with him (making good on her self-imposed title of “Miss Selfie Centered”). Ray J introduces the ladies to his manager, and then Jameelah mentions the one word that even I, who just had to Google what the hell Ray J does in the current culture of pop, knows YOU NEVER MENTION TO RAY J — “Kardashian.”

Jameelah: We want to take over for the Kardashians!

Exit Ray J.

Jameelah, no doubt hearing Harvey Levin’s voice repeating “SCHEME” on a loop in her mind, foolishly follows him to a different bar.

Ray J: Do you want to have sex on camera?
Jameelah: Should I?

Oh, sweet Jesus. Did she really just ask RAY J that question? Beaumont has clearly not prepared her for this.

Ray J: If you’re good at sex … I might even watch it. You got a freaky side! I love freaky side!
Jameelah: I’m a vegetarian and I volunteer at an animal shelter.

I’d like to say “Ray J for the win,” but in reality it’s more like, “Jameelah for the loss … of your Kardashian opportunity that was just handed to you on a (probably unsanitary) plate.

(In related news, Ray J was arrested two days ago for becoming unruly after allegedly touching a woman in a bar inappropriately. It’s unclear if she was a meat eater or an animal lover.)

Scheme #3: “Crank That”
Jameelah, Taliah, Maariyah, momager Angie and DJ Dad show up at a happening nightclub (Stevie Wonder is there, so it must be hot … not) and find they can’t get past the bouncer, because they’re not on anyone’s list. Jameelah will not accept that and announces to the crowd just who they are (which I have to reluctantly give her props for), but despite the cameras and cameramen following them, no one seems to care. Hollywood’s a bitch, man.

Enter Soulja Boy! (You know … Soulja Boy! Soulja Boy? “Crank That”? No?) Jameelah is all over that (Soulja) boy and flirts with him, telling him they want to be famous and that he must get them on his list! Like he hasn’t heard that before (actually, he probably hasn’t since about 2007, but that’s beside the point). Despite her efforts, Soulja Boy goes all Supa Man and walks into the club without them.

Other schemes that I’d tell you about in detail, but I like you too much to keep you here much longer:
There’s a red-carpet event where Taliah pretends to interview Jameelah to get her noticed (strangely asking her and real celebrities like Faith Evans and Lil Mama — although in all honesty I have no clue who or what a Lil Mama is — a lot of pubic-hair questions, because that’s what you do on your quest to become famous, I guess) and a botched photo shoot where a famous photographer tells momager Angie that at 26 years old, Taliah is “washed-up and too short.” (Crying, momager Angie says, “It’s tough to watch your child feel like they don’t measure up to other people.” But actually, Angie, she literally doesn’t.) But let’s move on before I hurt my cat.

Just yesterday, Harvey Levin sat down with the five Artiagas and debriefed them on their first week of fame-whoring. Here’s the nutshell of his thoughts:

  • He likes what Jameelah did outside the club, taking charge with Soulja Boy, that “ex-celebrity nobody” (according to the Artiagas).
  • He liked their cupcake stunt — Really? It was the bikinis, wasn’t it? — as well as the red-carpet stunt.
  • He has “serious concerns” about the “squandered opportunities” and the “floundering.” Geeze. It’s only week 1! Give them a break! Oh, wait. That’s exactly what you’ve done. Carry on.
  • He is appalled by Jameelah’s vegetarian comment to Ray J — She coulda been somebody! — as well with the way Taliah handled the photographer’s rejection and momager Angie’s enabling.
  • He thinks Maariyah’s self-description of “world’s sexiest virgin” is bizarre … but then decides he likes it. The fact that she’s sitting there in a dress so short that they’ve blurred her hoo-ha is certainly one selling point — to someone.
  • He then tells them that there will be a “FN12 Meter,” which will track each of the family members on social media over the next 12 weeks, taking their popularity and giving them a number that will determine if they are successful. Know what this means? Because the Artiagas all follow me on Twitter and have been retweeting me and my links to these posts, I’ve just become part of this little experiment in a weird, roundabout kind of wayWho’s famous now, beeyatches?

The episode ends with an epic sister catfight (with blurred hoo-has) over something I think had to do with Taliah’s hurt feelings about the photo shoot and her thinking Jameelah is a gigantic attention whore. I’m honestly not sure what it was about, because I was done caring, which begs the (potentially literally) million-dollar question: If you watched, do you care? Let me (and the Artiagas — because I know they’ll be reading this recap) know in the comments below!

Famous in 12, rated TV-14, airs Tuesdays at 8/7 C on The CW.

 

TV Families | EW.com

TV Families -- We compare various television clans through the years to see how they stack up, from ''The Brady Bunch'' to ''The Flintstones''

By Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 at 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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