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'Hollywood Exes' recap: The worst birthday ever

Season 3 | Episode 4 | Aired May 29, 2014

If Hollywood Exes’ episodes had names, this week’s would be called “Drea’s Business Is Everybody’s Business.” Man, she took it from all sides this week; whether it was opinions about her prenup, her baby-making status, or just her general state of being, Drea got an earful from the sisterhood on this week’s episode (and don’t forget Tony — he had quite a bit to say too).

Drea_NicoleThe episode opens on Drea and Nicole standing in Nicole’s backyard. I am using the term “backyard” pretty loosely here; it looks like the approximate size of my high school’s football stadium, except with stunning views and immaculately maintained greens. Good thing it is so well kept, since Drea has decided to have her wedding there.

This is the location of the first of many conversations about Drea and Brian’s relationship. At least this one is civil. You’ve got to hand it to the ladies of Hollywood Exes — they know how to have an awkward conversation. Nicole presents Drea with some questions that seem pretty natural given the circumstances, and Drea is forced to defend her choices about Brian and the wedding. Besides, who is Nicole to talk? As Drea asked in her interview, “Why yo ass taking so long?” They did end on a good note; however, now we know why Drea and Brian didn’t work out in real life: the curse of Beverly Park. Apparently giant houses, a full domestic staff and more money than sense often leads to divorce. Who knew?

To celebrate the big decision to have the wedding at Nicole’s, Nicole takes the ladies to a seedy bar that you must OutsideTheBarenter through a closet, being ushered through by a weird white guy wearing a magician’s costume. The bar turns out to be pretty cool, with fire eaters and sideshow performers; plus, we get to see Nicole’s insane abs. I swear, she doesn’t even look like a real person sometimes.

At the bar we hear yet another conversation about Drea and Brian, but this time Drea reveals there is no prenup, and the ladies go nuts. This is shocking to the ladies, and they descend on Drea like she is made out of hundred-dollar bills. Once again, she is forced to defend her decisions concerning Brian. If I didn’t know what I already know about them, I would take Drea’s side on this. It’s her life, after all, and who cares if she’s “thinking with her vagina.”

Shanna is starting to fit in with the ladies (a little too, well maybe, but more on that in a bit), and seeks advice about their exes dating other people. Her ex is currently dating Carmen Electra, one of her “good friends,” and she feels foolish having learned of the relationship via tabloid. While this is not a huge plot point in this week’s storylines, I mention it because it revealed a little about the usually quiet and passive Shamicka. She said this constitutes a “whoop-ass pass,” and she would make sure that friend knew “it” was coming. I like that she’s a closet brute and sneaky about her street tendencies. She doesn’t trot them out like some trashy housewife, flipping tables and pulling hair. These ladies have class — they’ll only enact violence if they have to.

Shamicka and her opinions show up quite a bit this episode, but this time Shamicka has thoughts about Jessica and her new man, Austin. According to Shamicka and Drea, this Austin character is far too immature to be a serious contender for a relationship because, according to Shamicka, “he hangs out with 21-year-olds.” I don’t see the problem with this. Did they just meet Jessica? She doesn’t really seem the serious-relationship sort, now does she? Of course, Jessica gets mad that they offered their unsolicited advice, but not before she told Drea she doesn’t need any more children and that she is too old for any more. I guess Jessica doesn’t mind the sound of her own opinions.

In a bit of comic (and possibly alcohol-fueled) relief, Nicole gets trapped in a pair of gold-and-diamond handcuffs that once belonged to Prince. Mayte has decided to pawn some of her memorabilia, and Nicole won’t miss the opportunity to eye-bang some of the Artist-Formerly-Known-As’ stuff. Apparently Prince souvenirs garner quite the pretty penny. Although Mayte couldn’t say the number, when the Beverly Pawn broker showed her the slip of paper with the number on it, she was happily surprised: “It was a lot.” Nicole, whom I believe had a pretty firm buzz, had to call a locksmith to extricate herself from the handcuffs. Is there a better excuse for having handcuffs on than “They are Prince’s”? I think not.

AllTheLadies70sShanna and Jessica, meanwhile, are new buddies (for now), and go shopping for costumes for Drea’s ’70s-themed birthday party. While out, Shanna isn’t holding back, and at one point calls Drea’s marriage to R. Kelly a “shit show.” Yikes. Later, after a run-in with Jessica at the party, she shows some pretty incriminating texts to Sheree and Mayte — she literally pulls her phone out and shows them the messages. Turn your sister-card in NOW, Shanna.

The ’70s party turns brawl when Tony can’t leave well enough alone and gets into a territory war with Brian overShannaNicoleMayte70sparty Drea. The whole scene was so embarrassing … for Brian. I think we can all agree that Brian needs to be fired from humanity for uttering phrases like, “I drops motherf*ckers,” and, “You got the right one for this,” as he’s taking his shirt off. Blech. Drea turns on her friends as well after Shanna asks her if this is her “midlife crisis.” Ouch. Fed up, she tells them if they don’t like that she doesn’t have a prenup, they can exercise their, “Don’t-show-up ‘nup.” Enough said.

The episode ends with Shanna narcing on Jessica with the incriminating texts, and it seems like she is overreacting to the scene at the party when Jessica got defensive after Shanna threatened to rub cake on her face. Sure, Jessica slapped her hands away, but I don’t blame her. I don’t want cake on my face either. Shanna turned on Jessica too quickly for my taste. I don’t like my exes shady.

If the previews are any indication, next week is going to be worth the hour, as Jessica defends her texts about white and black girls not meshing, and Shamicka being a hood rat after all.

What do you think about Shanna’s tattling? Did she do the right thing by exposing Jessica’s text, or did she break the girl code? Tweet me your thoughts.

Hollywood Exes airs Wednesdays at 9/8 C on VH1.

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