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'Hollywood Exes' recap: The worst birthday ever

Season 3 | Episode 4 | Aired May 29, 2014

If Hollywood Exes’ episodes had names, this week’s would be called “Drea’s Business Is Everybody’s Business.” Man, she took it from all sides this week; whether it was opinions about her prenup, her baby-making status, or just her general state of being, Drea got an earful from the sisterhood on this week’s episode (and don’t forget Tony — he had quite a bit to say too).

Drea_NicoleThe episode opens on Drea and Nicole standing in Nicole’s backyard. I am using the term “backyard” pretty loosely here; it looks like the approximate size of my high school’s football stadium, except with stunning views and immaculately maintained greens. Good thing it is so well kept, since Drea has decided to have her wedding there.

This is the location of the first of many conversations about Drea and Brian’s relationship. At least this one is civil. You’ve got to hand it to the ladies of Hollywood Exes — they know how to have an awkward conversation. Nicole presents Drea with some questions that seem pretty natural given the circumstances, and Drea is forced to defend her choices about Brian and the wedding. Besides, who is Nicole to talk? As Drea asked in her interview, “Why yo ass taking so long?” They did end on a good note; however, now we know why Drea and Brian didn’t work out in real life: the curse of Beverly Park. Apparently giant houses, a full domestic staff and more money than sense often leads to divorce. Who knew?

To celebrate the big decision to have the wedding at Nicole’s, Nicole takes the ladies to a seedy bar that you must OutsideTheBarenter through a closet, being ushered through by a weird white guy wearing a magician’s costume. The bar turns out to be pretty cool, with fire eaters and sideshow performers; plus, we get to see Nicole’s insane abs. I swear, she doesn’t even look like a real person sometimes.

At the bar we hear yet another conversation about Drea and Brian, but this time Drea reveals there is no prenup, and the ladies go nuts. This is shocking to the ladies, and they descend on Drea like she is made out of hundred-dollar bills. Once again, she is forced to defend her decisions concerning Brian. If I didn’t know what I already know about them, I would take Drea’s side on this. It’s her life, after all, and who cares if she’s “thinking with her vagina.”

Shanna is starting to fit in with the ladies (a little too, well maybe, but more on that in a bit), and seeks advice about their exes dating other people. Her ex is currently dating Carmen Electra, one of her “good friends,” and she feels foolish having learned of the relationship via tabloid. While this is not a huge plot point in this week’s storylines, I mention it because it revealed a little about the usually quiet and passive Shamicka. She said this constitutes a “whoop-ass pass,” and she would make sure that friend knew “it” was coming. I like that she’s a closet brute and sneaky about her street tendencies. She doesn’t trot them out like some trashy housewife, flipping tables and pulling hair. These ladies have class — they’ll only enact violence if they have to.

Shamicka and her opinions show up quite a bit this episode, but this time Shamicka has thoughts about Jessica and her new man, Austin. According to Shamicka and Drea, this Austin character is far too immature to be a serious contender for a relationship because, according to Shamicka, “he hangs out with 21-year-olds.” I don’t see the problem with this. Did they just meet Jessica? She doesn’t really seem the serious-relationship sort, now does she? Of course, Jessica gets mad that they offered their unsolicited advice, but not before she told Drea she doesn’t need any more children and that she is too old for any more. I guess Jessica doesn’t mind the sound of her own opinions.

In a bit of comic (and possibly alcohol-fueled) relief, Nicole gets trapped in a pair of gold-and-diamond handcuffs that once belonged to Prince. Mayte has decided to pawn some of her memorabilia, and Nicole won’t miss the opportunity to eye-bang some of the Artist-Formerly-Known-As’ stuff. Apparently Prince souvenirs garner quite the pretty penny. Although Mayte couldn’t say the number, when the Beverly Pawn broker showed her the slip of paper with the number on it, she was happily surprised: “It was a lot.” Nicole, whom I believe had a pretty firm buzz, had to call a locksmith to extricate herself from the handcuffs. Is there a better excuse for having handcuffs on than “They are Prince’s”? I think not.

AllTheLadies70sShanna and Jessica, meanwhile, are new buddies (for now), and go shopping for costumes for Drea’s ’70s-themed birthday party. While out, Shanna isn’t holding back, and at one point calls Drea’s marriage to R. Kelly a “shit show.” Yikes. Later, after a run-in with Jessica at the party, she shows some pretty incriminating texts to Sheree and Mayte — she literally pulls her phone out and shows them the messages. Turn your sister-card in NOW, Shanna.

The ’70s party turns brawl when Tony can’t leave well enough alone and gets into a territory war with Brian overShannaNicoleMayte70sparty Drea. The whole scene was so embarrassing … for Brian. I think we can all agree that Brian needs to be fired from humanity for uttering phrases like, “I drops motherf*ckers,” and, “You got the right one for this,” as he’s taking his shirt off. Blech. Drea turns on her friends as well after Shanna asks her if this is her “midlife crisis.” Ouch. Fed up, she tells them if they don’t like that she doesn’t have a prenup, they can exercise their, “Don’t-show-up ‘nup.” Enough said.

The episode ends with Shanna narcing on Jessica with the incriminating texts, and it seems like she is overreacting to the scene at the party when Jessica got defensive after Shanna threatened to rub cake on her face. Sure, Jessica slapped her hands away, but I don’t blame her. I don’t want cake on my face either. Shanna turned on Jessica too quickly for my taste. I don’t like my exes shady.

If the previews are any indication, next week is going to be worth the hour, as Jessica defends her texts about white and black girls not meshing, and Shamicka being a hood rat after all.

What do you think about Shanna’s tattling? Did she do the right thing by exposing Jessica’s text, or did she break the girl code? Tweet me your thoughts.

Hollywood Exes airs Wednesdays at 9/8 C on VH1.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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