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'General Hospital' recap: Baby, come back

Season 51 | Episodes 30-34 | Aired May 12-16, 2014

The great Blackie Parrish fake-out of 2014 — I mean, the Nurses’ Ball — has come to a close. And in its wake, we have the opportunity to reflect on all of the performances and drama that came with it. But let’s first remember what the Nurses’ Ball is about.

It’s not about karaoke, fancy dresses or red carpets. The Nurses’ Balls began in 1994 as a way to raise funds for HIV/AIDS research. And while the message can be overshadowed by all the glitz, amfAR certainly deserves one last shout-out, as does Yoplait Greek for sponsoring the event.

And what an event it is! Nearly every cast member seemingly takes the stage at some point to show off singing or dancing skills. Some were autotuned within an inch of their lives (sorry Brad, Haunted Starlets), while others showed off impressive natural vocal abilities (Epiphany). Liesl Obrecht’s (using the pseudonym “Adele Dazeem”) rendition of Willie Nelson’s “Always on My Mind” was actually quite lovely, as an ode to her neglected children. While Nathan (or is it James? Someone please tell us!) seems reluctant to open his arms to his muddah dearest, Britt seemingly is open to reconciliation.

I’m on the fence with how invested we’re supposed to be in the shenanigans of a prepubescent love triangle. I know soaps have always coveted the teen market, introducing younger love stories for the summer months, but the saga of Cameron, Spencer and Emma is the youngest I can ever recall. Cameron and Emma take the stage to do a tango this week, which is thematically a little mature for them, but are interrupted by Spencer’s attempt to woo his young love back. And how, you might ask? By recruiting Player to perform their 1977 #1 hit “Baby Come Back.” While it’s great to have him reference original member Ron Moss’ soap career by declaring his interruption as “bold and beautiful,” the real joy is watching the audience swoon and sing along. Who knew Dante loves himself some ’70’s easy listening?

And while Emma turns down Spencer’s attempt at reconciliation, the real heartbreak this week belongs to Lucy Coe. We all knew that Lucy Coe would end up in her underwear (and look fabulous!), but unfortunately, it is at the expense of her marriage to Kevin. Scott’s pursuit of Lucy ends when the curtain rises and reveals them mid-smooch to a stunned audience. Lucy tries to play it off as a joke, but confesses her months-long affair to Doc. The excuse of “I didn’t mean for it to happen” doesn’t work any better for Lucy than it did last week when Sonny tried it on Olivia. Kevin gets his aggression out first by decking Scott, then by brawling all over the Floating Rib with Mac when he realizes his best friend has known for quite some time.

But the catfight between Lucy and Bobbie is a sight to be seen. Between references to Damian Smith, Bobbie’s hooker past and Annie Logan’s virginity, there is certainly a lot of history to be hashed out between the two. While I think Bobbie misses the mark by thinking this is about her, the slap fight with pulled hair extensions and rolling television cameras is quite epic. Felicia’s decision to trade her Aztec jewels to save Lucy from being splashed on the front page is a testimony to the years-long friendship these two women have built.

But now, with the Nurses’ Ball coming to a close, it is time to get back to our regularly scheduled drama. With Tracy wed to Luke, Ned puts his plan in motion and ousts his mother as the ELQ CEO. And what titan of business does he install in her place? Why, none other than Michael, who, to the best of my knowledge, has about a month of corporate experience under his belt. Kiki encourages Michael to do the job and honor A.J., but I’m with Michael’s first inclination to hand the reigns over to Ned.

Tracy doesn’t plan to take her firing lying down, but first she plans to lie down and consummate her marriage to Luke. And since Luke is still clearly NOT Luke, he’s completely repulsed by the idea and has to (disgustingly, horrifically) fantasize about Kiki to do the deed. Seriously, can we pretty please get some answers about what is going on with Luke and soon? I’m not sure how much more skeevy behavior viewers can handle.

But Luke has bigger problems than ELQ this week, as it seems as if the whole drug/mob operation is about to blow up in his face. After discussing it with Sonny, Duke hands Anna information about an impending drug-shipment arrival. While Duke’s main goal is to bring Julian down, Shawn panics that Jordan will be caught up in the whole mess as well. Shawn, despite his misgivings about Jordan’s initial reintroduction to T.J.’s life, doesn’t want T.J. to lose his mother to jail (again). Is anyone else getting whiplash from Shawn’s sudden compassion for her well-being?

Alexis, after some insanely hot and steamy sexy time with Julian, tries to compel him to leave his life of organized crime behind. So Julian approaches Luke on the dock and tenders his resignation. More to the point, he pretty much tells Luke he knows where the bodies are buried and his boss should go pound sand. Luke reluctantly agrees to Julian’s terms, but then shows up at Alexis’ door with a loaded gun, so this parting may not be as amicable as Julian believes.

Elsewhere, love and love triangles were the running theme of the week. Carly and Franco had nothing better to do than join the mile-high club. And while I appreciate that Franco watches Game of Thrones on airplanes, this was just a comic interlude in a crowded week.

The Niz/Liric triangle came to a head this week as well. At the Nurses’ Ball, Nikolas makes it clear to Britt that he’s not ready to overlook the whole baby-stealing and lying thing. Then Elizabeth decides to give her ex-husband another shot, overlooking all of his past misdeeds. And Ric does really seem to have turned over a new leaf, as evidenced by his surprisingly rational conversation with Alexis about Julian. But Nikolas isn’t out of the game, as he makes an impassioned plea to Elizabeth for them to reunite. Elizabeth holds her ground, between the poor timing over the years and the destruction of Lucky in the process; she is stepping off the roller coaster that their pairing brings. She declares Ric as her choice, but do the tears in her eyes betray her decision?

The stage is also set for a Brad/Lucas/Felix triangle. Despite Brad’s performance of “Brokenhearted,” and Britt’s enthusiastic dancing, Lucas isn’t swayed by Brad’s apology or surprising kiss. So what is the natural thing for Lucas to do? Why, stage a phony relationship with Felix, of course! Despite Felix being an initial contender for Brad’s heart, I think Brad and Lucas are endgame. So what is their magical couple moniker? Blucas? Bracas? Luad?

Finally, we do learn that the embryo Obrecht used to procure her freedom is indeed one of Dante and Lulu’s. With their tortured history to parenthood, Lulu is skeptical to go down the surrogate route again. She suggests looking into a surgical procedure that could increase her odds of carrying the baby herself. Dante, knowing it’s their last chance to have another child, is wary, but Lulu goes ahead and books a consult with her doctor.

And that’s it for the 2014 Nurses’ Ball and all that goes with it! See you back here next week as we continue to ponder where Maxie’s amazing hair extensions came from! Did they have a plethora of exactly matched blonde hair backstage?

TV Families

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TV Families

TV Families — We compare various television clans through the years to see how they stack up, from ”The Brady Bunch” to ”The Flintstones”

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The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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<div class="article-body"> <div class="article__letter-grade"><span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span><p aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></p></div> <div class="article-body__inner"> <div class="triangle-anchor"></div><p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. 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