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'Hollywood Exes' recap: Sorry, not sorry

Season 3 | Episode 2 | Aired May 14, 2014

In what universe can a disagreement about fur turn into a screaming referendum on child support? Only on Hollywood Exes. This week’s episode is fallout from last week’s brunch-turned-ghunch, when everybody is seeking an apology from everyone (spoiler alert: nobody gets one). There is not much else on our ladies’ plates right now besides deciding whose side to take. It looks like Mayte gets Jessica and Shanna, Nicole gets Drea and Sheree, and Shemicka opts out of this particular dispute. She stays pretty neutral and spends most of the episode daintily dabbing at her eyes with her napkin.

Opening on a mother-daughter rehash of the ghunch, Bria calls Mayte to apologize for how she spoke to her. I was pretty impressed with the integrity of this young woman willing to admit she is in the wrong. Nicole apparently believes in the parental philosophy of “Do as I say, not as I do,” because she listens silently as Bria and Nicole talk through their problems, griping about the “crazy bitch” the whole time. Anybody remember the three-way call scene from Mean Girls? It felt a little like that. During the phone call, Mayte doesn’t really apologize for breaking the sugar dish, and Nicole doesn’t really want to forgive her. She’s not having any of it. From here the episode becomes (almost exclusively) about giving/receiving an apology.

DreaDrea visits Mayte on the set of her magazine-cover shoot and tries to elicit an apology from her. Even though we’ve been talking about this very subject for two weeks now, Mayte still thinks everybody wants to her to apologize for loving animals and hating fur, and Drea shows far more restraint than I could have when Mayte refuses to acknowledge her part in the matter — namely, freaking out about what someone else was wearing and vandalizing personal property. Instead of choking Mayte to unconsciousness with her bare hands, Drea does the next, most logical thing: She plans a dinner in an intimate, quiet restaurant. (It’s also interesting to note here that Drea volunteers to “mediate” for Mayte, while Jessica flat-out refuses to do so for Nicole. Jessica tells Nicole, plain and simple: “I’m not your mediator.”)

So the ladies assemble, all dressed in all black, Johnny Cash-style (except for Nicole — she’s wearing blue)Nicole in a sweet little restaurant that looks like it will only hold about 50 folks. The awkward tension is so thick I could see it on my screen, and I could tell something ugly was about to go down. Surely Drea could have predicted the ensuing crap-show and found a venue with better acoustics. At one point during the dinner, the yelling becomes so intense, the maitre d’ had to close the door to their area. Sheree, bless her heart, decides this is a good time to air her beef about Mayte’s no-show at her party, and Mayte predictably turns defensive, playing the single-mother card. This doesn’t go over well at all at a table filled with single mothers, but man, it gets worse from there. When Sheree reminds her they are all single mothers, Mayte retorts, “Yeah, well, you had Will Smith money.” Oh no, she shouldn’t have.

JEssicaI don’t really see the big insult. But what do I know? I’m poor. I thought it is widely acknowledged that life is easier with money.  But not to Drea, who is battling her ex for child support as we speak (you can read the Page Six article here). This hits a particular nerve with Drea, and all of a sudden, she is the crazy girl at the party, yelling and hollering about being “pissed the [bleep] off.” Drea believes that was disrespectful to their shared circumstances, and that kind of comment — the kind that appears in the tabloids all the time — undercuts their “sisterhood.” I guess she’s a little right.

True to Mayte form, she makes a theatrical exit and stands dramatically at the valet stand, waiting impatiently for her car. That is, until the blond ambition, Shanna and Jessica, catch up to her to offer their shoulders to cry on. Careful whose side you take, Shanna — these ladies don’t forget.

Because every encounter must be experienced, then rehashed immediately while day-drinking, Sheree, Drea and DaydrinkingShemicka meet for champagne at Drea’s house to sort through the dinner from hell. It quickly devolves into a nasty gossip session that leaves me feeling like I need a shower (but that won’t stop me from repeating what happened).

According to Sheree, Mayte may harbor resentment toward the ladies because, unlike the rest of them, she was the leavee and Prince was the leaver. Sheree authenticates her insight by telling us, “I know people that know him. When he is done, he is done.” Y’all believe her now, don’t you? There is more talk about child support at this meeting, we’re warned to “check your sisterhood email,” and you can now say “titties” on cable. Also, apparently we have to worry about our vaginas getting stressed out and turning gray now. Thanks, ladies.

Jess and NicoleOn the other side of town, Nicole and Jessica aren’t rehashing over daylight cocktails, but they are pretending to run — in full hair and makeup — and stop to rest just as we catch up to them. Nicole admits to being embarrassed in front of Shanna, but I’ll bet she doesn’t have much reason to. This isn’t Shanna’s first rodeo, and I imaging she’s seen her fair share of crazy bitches. Nicole also breaks the news to Jessica that she is going back to Vegas to judge Shanna’s Miss Nevada pageant, to which Jessica warns, “Bitch, you better not have a new white friend.” Shanna, you’ve been warned.

The scenes of Shanna at the pageant were fun, even though it made the contestants look like soulless, mindless bobbleShannaheads, incapable of taking direction. But that’s sort of the point, right? According to Shanna, all it takes to win is to be the most beautiful girl with a banging body, so who cares if they can’t remember their own name?

The episode wraps with a pretty heavy conversation between Drea and Mayte about — what else? — child support, and shit gets pretty real. Mayte sorta comes around and they leave as friends. Until the next episode.

Whose side are you on? Was this episode enough to give you gray hair? Drea or May? Tweet me and leave your comments below!

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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