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Image Credit: Syfy

'Métal Hurlant Chronicles' recap: You had ONE job!

Season 1 | Episode 6 | “Pledge of Anya” | Aired May 12, 2014

One of the greatest late-night discussion/arguments to have with friends is whether the course of history could have been changed if you’d killed one of the greatest evils before it starts.

Earth needs protection, and there’s a foreign planet that is able to provide it. The high priest, Kern (Ruger Hauer), summons a warrior from among his people. The task: to kill what will become one of most destructive and evil persons to ever walk the face of the planet.

The warrior who is picked, Joshua ( Gregory Basso), goes through some rituals to prepare him for this task. Included in this is the enviable duty of being body-painted by scantily clad women. Throughout these scenes is the constant thumping of the shields by soldiers, which soon really annoyed me. It was just one of those moments that touched a nerve because it was so repetitive — I wanted to scream at the TV, “STOP IT!” I think it also bothered me because almost all of the “soldiers” were women with perfectly styled hair, makeup and jewelry; they seemed more like eye candy than actual soldiers.


Joshua walks down a runway to kneel at the foot of the high priest. After a rousing speech (where all those female soldiers seemed not to be mentioned) about why this needs to be done and how it will save the people, a sword is given to Joshua to help him perform the task. Apparently the sword serves a double function — it’s also a port key that transports him away to Earth.

After being woken by Kern’s voice, Joshua appears to be in a cave. He seems completely out of place in this new world, looking more like a guy who showed up cosplaying from 300. Suddenly a noise fills the air. It sounds like … gunshots?

The hunter starts running through the woods and ends up bumping into a guy who is slaughtering some kind of animal. Based on his accent and clothing, it seems like the time period is early-20th-century Europe. Also, Joshua seems to speak and understand perfect English. A short fight gets rid of this guy who seems more like a placeholder to show when and where we are now.

The scene changes to a small European village in winter, where we see some soldiers arguing over who has to stay out in the cold. Joshua uses this as a chance to run into a stable to find warmth. After stealing a blanket from a horse, he then asks the sword to help him find the enemy he’s been sent to kill. The answer is given to him; all he needs to do is knock out yet another solider who appears to be guarding the enemy’s house by himself.

Some trapeze tricks later, Joshua finds himself in a room ready to strike. Who is this evil demon he’s been sent to kill? Oh, wait, it’s … a little boy? Well, this is awkward. Joshua hesitates. He can’t bring himself to kill a child. What is he supposed to do?


The hesitation is his downfall. The remaining soldiers make it upstairs, and before Joshua can make it through the window, he gets shot. He somehow makes it up the hill and begs Kern to help him. Unfortunately, dude, you’re out of luck. Kern tells him that he can’t help him, and that he must pay the price for not doing his job. Now Earth will suffer because he didn’t fulfill his mission. Joshua dies as the sword transports away.

We go back to the young boy, who is being tucked into bed by his mother. She tells him that the danger has passed. You’re safe and can go back to sleep, Adolf.

Yep. That Adolf. Yeah, Joshua … you definitely messed up on that one.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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