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'Friends With Better Lives' recap: Sex-tape smackdown

Season 1 | Episode 5 | “Yummy Mummy” | Aired May 12, 2014

We open in a scene straight out of Sex and the City — if the core four of SATC had overtly listed their requirements for men they went out with as part of the world’s worst pillow talk. Kate is asking the man she’s making out with for some more personal information, in the interest of learning at least one fun fact about him before turning this first date into a first sleepover (high five). Well, an additional fun fact; she already knows he lives in a doorman building. Mr. Ruggedly Handsome McSalt’n’Pepper says that he has some sort of fancy job, can tie a cherry stem into a knot with his tongue and has a daughter named Molly. This last bit of info prompts Kate to fake a seizure so she can escape. Everyone on this show is such a mature adult!

[Cue wannabe How I Met Your Mother credit sequence.]

While Kate regales her friends with the tale of her faux epilepsy, Jules and Lowell stroll in, announcing that they’ve just closed on a new house. Do they really think that’s a wise investment, given the volatile housing market, Lowell’s existing rent payments on a health-food restaurant called Namaste that looks very overstaffed and (I imagine) has terrible Yelp reviews about the annoying group of white people that’s constantly in there loudly discussing each other’s sex lives, and the fact that they have to pay for a wedding? Of course it’s a great idea — this isn’t a show that deals with reality or the fact that it’s no longer 2008. Instead, Andi and Bobby offer to donate their red armoire to Jules and Lowell. Remember this snoozefest plot point, as it’ll be coming up later as part of this show’s attempt to tackle every stereotypical life phenomenon from six years ago.

Over in Andi-land, Lowell sees a cute dad (Kyle Howard from My Boys, where have you been?) potentially flirting with the yummy mummy, and becomes convinced that he’s got a crush on her. Perhaps tired of being reminded 24/7 that she’s a beached whale, Andi brings this up to Bobby. Ever the supportive husband, he assures her that no one could possibly find her attractive in her current pregnant state — and even goes so far as to use the words “lowered curb appeal” to describe just how vile and repellant his wife is. I guess that’s one way to combat jealousy and infidelity: Convince your partner that he or she is truly too hideous for someone else to ever be interested in. Then, keep kicking them when they’re down. Remember, nobody said it was easy. Actually, Chris Martin said that, and we all know what happened to his marriage.

In what I’m hoping is an attempt at personal growth, Kate decides to befriend hot guy’s daughter, Molly, because she likes the same things Kate does — namely, shopping for new iPhones, Instagramming things and getting a discount at Barneys. She brings Molly to Namaste to give Lowell her old iPhone since he still has a flip phone, which I thought might be the emergence of an actually interesting plotline in which Lowell is secretly running a drug cartel out of a terrible health-food restaurant. He could be the Walter White of wheatgrass! Or grass grass. No such luck, though. Lowell is just a boring Luddite who enjoys talking to people face-to-face, like some kind of nontexting monster.

On their way out of Namaste, Kate and Molly run into Will, who takes an immediate liking to the latter. And if you didn’t see that coming from a mile away, you may want to get your obvious meter examined. Kate tries to prevent them from seeing each other, but it’s too late. To quote an incredibly romantic “how we met” story from this weekend’s number-one movie, Neighbors, “He saw me. And I looked at him.” Tale as old as time: Boy sees girl. Girl sees boy. Girl and boy rub their parts together.

Allow us to pause the intense rising action for a moment to discuss the elephant in the room: Bobby and Andi’s sex tape, which had been foretold in the book of Revelations previews. After moving the aforementioned red armoire into their new love nest, Lowell and Jules realize it contains a DVD Bobby and Andi made of themselves getting busy on their honeymoon. Naturally, the rest of the gang watches it, because how are you supposed to know with certainty that your friends’ lives are better than yours if you can’t fully judge every single aspect of their existence, including what they do in bed?

After repeated viewings of the Bobby-Andi sexcapades (coming soon to Madison Square Garden), the group vows not to tell them, which of course means it’ll come out later in the episode. Is there even a point to watching your friends have sex if you can’t laugh in their faces about it later? Yes, that was a rhetorical question.

Things come to a head (double entendre intended, just like the 394,893,843 Bobby and Andi inadvertently made after the sex-tape discovery) when Will starts dating Molly, leading to an awkward double date at her dad’s house. Will gets on Kate’s last nerve by repeatedly calling her “mother,” the two go to have a private chat in a baby’s room and  boom  Molly has a son she hasn’t yet told Will about. Kate jokes that if Molly has a baby, that makes Will a father. Will jokes that if Molly has a baby, that means Kate’s a grandmother. Since neither of these over-30-year-old professionals with steady jobs and nice homes is ready to be a parent, they decide to get out while they still can. Great decision, you two. You wouldn’t want your hard-earned money to benefit someone besides yourselves.

Over in the F-story, Lowell becomes obsessed with his new iPhone, so Jules distracts him by using it to make a sex tape (or sex FaceTime). It’s still synching wirelessly to Kate’s iPad, though, so she sees everything. This, of course, leads to the revelation that the gang watched Bobby and Andi’s honeymoon in Andi-land, and no one seems too upset about anything, as per usual. So your friends saw you having sex … maybe it’ll give you the upper hand in this week’s battle for a superior life. It truly is shocking this show wasn’t renewed for a second season.

Yummy MummyFriends With Better Lives, rated TV-14, airs on CBS on Mondays at 8:30/7:30 C.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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