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'Hollywood Exes' season 3 premiere recap: 'This bitch is trippin' '

Season 3 | Episode 1 | Aired May 6, 2014

Last we left our favorite exes, Mayte adopted a baby and Jessica was concerned; Nicole and Michael Strahan were still engaged and navigating a prenup; Drea was between L.A. and Chicago and struggling to make it work; Jessica was dealing with the rejection of her ex Garth and feeling insulted by Mayte’s comments comparing her Playboy appearances to working a stripper pole; Shemicka moved a very long way away; and Sheree was building a new boutique and repeating everybody’s secrets.

Jessica Canseco

Jessica Canseco

Tonight’s season’s premiere opens on Mayte and Jessica on an outing with baby Gia, obviously having made up after Mayte’s accusations about Jessica walking around naked all the time and being trashy like a stripper. In a very un-Mayte-esque moment, Mayte acknowledges that Jessica’s concerns were legitimate and forgives Jessica for merely telling the truth. She’s a saint, that one. I feel a little cheated we didn’t get to see that fight play out over three or four episodes, but I guess they had to make room for the senseless arguments that are unfolding in this episode.

Let’s start with Sheree’s beef with Mayte — something else we are left out of. Don’t these women know they must save the drama for filming days? It just not as satisfying an experience to merely listen to Sheree complain to Shemicka about Mayte and her new boyfriend Umberto flaking on a party. I want to watch.

Sheree Fletcher

Sheree Fletcher

What I don’t want to watch, however, is Mayte and Umberto exchanging affections via FaceTime; nor do I want to see her blow kisses to him through the camera on her iPad. Gross. But in her defense, this is the first bit of action she’s seen in a while, and it is a bit of bad luck that he lives in Tampa.  That is also the reason I’m going to forgive her rush to “be a family” with him. Pacing in Hollywood Exes land is set to warp speed; nobody really seems to be taking her time.

Except Nicole. It seems like she and Michael have been engaged for a hundred years, and they still haven’t set a date. They have, however, bought and sold another swanky Bel-Air mansion, and Nicole does have a sexy, new, short haircut, so that’s something. They definitely aren’t taking any timing cues from Drea, who returns to the show engaged to some rando named Brian that she met in the airport.

Andrea Kelly

Andrea Kelly

But I’m wasting time when I should be talking about FurGate. In honor of Drea’s return to Los Angeles, Nicole hosts a brunch at her home that quickly turns into what Drea calls a “ghunch” — a ghetto brunch. Much to my delight, it turned ugly when two other guests arrived wearing fur. Mayte couldn’t handle it because, as we have all heard, ad nauseam, she is very passionate about animals. Sigh. Both she and Jessica advocate for animals (remember last season, when Jessica burned Nicole’s fur hat, causing a giant drama-filled trip to Park City?), but Jessica didn’t pitch quite the fit Mayte did. I’d much rather hear Jessica’s version of activism — she’s far less obnoxious about it.

Later, when Mayte and Drea are rehashing it, Drea sorta calls her out on her bullshit, but doesn’t go as far as she should have. Why is nobody telling Mayte that she’s not boss of the world and can’t dictate what other people wear? Maybe I’m offended at whiny, self-righteous do-gooders, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have to the right to exist. Sheesh.

After Nicole’s daughter “flaunted” her fur bag, and Liz Bonds (ex to Barry Bonds) “on purpose” wears a fur vest in the summer, Mayte storms out and knocks over a sugar dish, breaking it. This is the natural reaction since she is, in her own words, “a Latina woman.” This lights Nicole’s fire and births the phrase I’ll be repeating all week: “This bitch is trippin’!”

Mayte Garcia

Mayte Garcia

Oh, and we can’t forget the addition of a new blonde to the Exes club. Shanna Moakler, my tentative new favorite, is the ex to Oscar De La Hoya and Travis Barker. She seems fun, and I think she’s going to fit in nicely. In fact, she shows up to the first meeting with a picture of her lipoed fat and passes it around for the ladies to see. Nobody bats an eye. She didn’t really know what to make of the shenanigans at the brunch and just wanted some popcorn to go with her front-row seat; she seems like my kind of girl. Let’s hope she turns out to be the Brandi Glanville of Hollywood Exes: straight talking, cursing, laid back and willing to get naked.

SHanna Moakler

Shanna Moakler

Drea and her fiancé, Brian, are contemplating moving to L.A. That, coupled with the addition of Shanna to the bunch, will offer some much needed diversity to the storyline. I’m tired of talking about Mayte already. Sheree and Shemicka are going to have to lower their tolerance threshold so they can participate in more of the storylines; Sheree’s cute new bangs aren’t going to cut it. I’m growing weary of Mayte’s indignation over animal cruelty too, although now she’s got a man to fight with, so maybe that’s a little sweet relief in the making.

Shemicka Martin

Shemicka Martin

Check out an extended trailer for season 3 here. What are your predictions for this season? What do you want to happen to our Exes club? Tweet me and leave your comments below. Don’t worry — it’s just between us.

 

 

For more insights and opinions, find me at honestreviewscorner.com.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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