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5 'Submissions Only' shows we want to see in real life

Just as in the real world of theater, there are plays in Submissions Only that everyone (on the show) is sick of hearing about. If another person auditions for Tim with “Chin in My Hand,” he is likely to walk out of the room. The characters on Submissions Only may be over Iron Dog or Mean Girls, but we certainly aren’t. The writers have done a brilliant job of giving us just enough content from each show to get us hooked. With the limited information we have, here are five Submissions Only shows we wish were real:

1. Jeremy’s Fort

A new musical written by composing duo the Giddyup Guys, Jeremy’s Fort is simultaneously the most confusing and most thoroughly explained show on Submissions Only. TheaterBurn.com, the companion theater-gossip website to Submissions Only, managed to get a quote from writer Dean Klausen about the show. “Taylor thinks he’s Jeremy,” states Klausen. “Until she realizes that he’s actually the manifestation of her dead son, who would have been the same age as Jeremy was when he died. If Taylor’s son had lived, he would have been the same age as Jeremy was when he died.”

What this has to do with a fort or who Jeremy actually is in relation to the other characters remains unexplained. Threshold Arts saw something in this production and agreed to produce it. With Serena Maxwell as the star there must be more to Jeremy’s Fort than meets the eye. The show, directed by Linda Avery and starring Serena Maxwell, is set to open in just a few weeks in the world of Submissions Only, and is nowhere near ready.

2. Mean Girls

Before there was talk of a Mean Girls musical in the real world, Kate Wetherhead and Santino Fontana wrote the catchiest two bars in history. Wetherhead and Fontana are working on a full version of “Mean Like Me” for a live Submissions Only concert on May 22. Although the plot of the Mean Girls musical is obvious, Submissions Only manages to maintain a level of mystique that fits perfectly with the tone of the series.

Penny is cast in the Mean Girls tour at the end of season 1, but returns to New York in season 2 after a freak harness accident. Why was anyone in a harness in Mean Girls? Were they cheerleaders? Was the high school putting on a production of Peter Pan à la 21 Jump Street? To add to the harness confusion, according to Serena, in the Broadway production everyone was in harnesses. The crazy flying Mean Girls musical would surely run on Broadway for years. Check out the most complete version of “Mean Like Me” in season 1 episode 5.

3. Iron Dog

Iron Dog is a family drama that follows a father — lovingly nicknamed “Iron Dog” — and his two sons, Robert and Sam, as they mourn their sister Sarah’s death. Sarah appears as a ghost and speaks with Robert and his father, but not with Sam, causing tension in the family. The Boston production, directed by Linda Avery and featuring Aaron Miller as Sam, was incredibly well received. When the play made its move to Broadway, Linda was replaced by Vincent Savio, and all the actors (except for Aaron) were replaced with big-name stars. The changes to the production did not gel, and Iron Dog flopped in New York. The only version of Iron Dog we want to see is one directed by Linda Avery.

4. Light Me Up

Despite Vincent Savio’s horrible reputation from Iron Dog, his new musical, Light Me Up, has the potential to be hilariously awesome. Light Me Up is a rock musical about Thomas Edison. Yes, please! Rock musicals are extremely popular at the moment, and if Vincent Savio’s “vision” doesn’t screw it up, he may have a hit on his hands. The title song features an unnecessary amount of electric guitar. While Tim, Gail, Agnes and Donny seem to think it’s a little too loud, we’re with Vincent on this one. Light Me Up rocks!








5. Intersections

Everybody loves a good romantic musical. Intersections, by Philip Renfrey, centers around two young people who meet at a D’Agostino and fall in love. A simple story capped off with catchy tunes, Intersections is not the most cerebral play in the world, but would make for an enjoyable afternoon. According to TheaterBurn.comIntersections will open at the Ferris Wheel Theater in Columbus, Ohio, this fall. The Ohio version of the show is expected to be directed by Tess Chen and star Lindsay Kane. Both Chen and Kane have been involved with Intersections since its first reading in New York.

BONUS: Best Song of Submissions Only

In addition to the plays and musicals in development on Submissions Only, there are tons of original songs written by (real-life) accomplished composers, used in auditions that are not associated with a particular Submissions Only play. It wasn’t hard to choose Brent Jarvis’ (Adam Pascal) audition for Beverly Wilcox (Mary Beth Peil), “Let’s F$#& Other People” (music by Joe Iconis, lyrics by Kate Wetherhead), as the best in this category. After chatting with Beverly about his kids, Brent bursts into “Let’s F$#& Other People,” leaving everyone in the room stunned — and us dying for more.

BONUS: Compass-ition

Nolan Grigsby’s Compass-ition is confusing to everyone but Nolan himself. When it is introduced in season 2, episode 3, Compass-ition is presented as an acting technique. But Nolan hires Tim to cast Compass-ition, suggesting that it is an original piece and not just a technique. It seems to be part-dance/part-play, but the final product remains a mystery. Is there a script? Is there choreography? If Nolan ever moves the production to New York, hipsters will surely line up to see Nolan’s innovative work.

What are your favorite Submissions Only plays and audition songs? Will anyone in Columbus, Ohio, know what a D’Agostino is? Let us know in the comments.

Season 3, episode 6, of Submissions Only airs on Monday, May 12, at BroadwayWorld.com.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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