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'House Hunters': It’s all rainbows and sunshine with Feng Shui

To quote Matthew McConaughey: All right, all right, all right!

We’re back with some House Hunters this week because when the TV gods start spitting gems like the April 4 episode, featuring Feng Shui and numerology as indicators to purchase a house, I pay attention. We’ve already determined that it’s all about personality. A crime scene investigator and a DNA analyst using spiritual energy to influence their buying decision is exactly what I’m talking about.

Nan and Tony only have $900,000 to spend on a new house in Walnut Creek, California. That’s going to get them a fixer-upper in the area, while anywhere else they’d get a mansion. It’s called sacrifice. They’ve determined to get the most bang for their buck. That means the house has to come with the feels — of the metaphysical variety. They want the normal things like a white kitchen and a big backyard, but if the juju is out of whack, there are going to be problems.

Here’s how it works:

A downslope lot is not good. It indicates losing money. Nobody wants to move into a house knowing they’re going to lose money. The first house with a downslope is over budget. There seems to be something to this Feng Shui!

There is a wrong way and a right way for specific items to face in a house.  For example, in Tony and Nan’s case, they need a north-facing master bedroom and an oven that doesn’t face east. It is not for us to ask why, but merely to watch and learn.

Doors let in more than people. If the front and rear doors cannot align, or the front door opens to a staircase, that means energy will enter your front door and go straight out. The madness (or lack thereof) of a staggered line of sight from the front door to the back door is open to interpretation.

Numbers matter. You can let your fingers do the walking with regard to your family’s good fortune with the use of numerology. The numbers 2018 and 1827 add up to “happy,” while 3539 adds up to “prosperity,” which completely conflicts with its downsloping lot. Roll with it.

Energy, energy, energy. Ideally, you don’t want a home next to a church, especially one with a preschool, because there’s a lot of spiritual energy and the kids come with their own store of energy. There’s no mention of this energy being good or bad, but it’s there. Do you want used energy? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

A compass is a must. It’s helpful to have a compass on your iPhone when standing in any bedroom or in front of a stove, for all of your Feng Shui needs.HH040414-1

A “turnkey” house for your average buyer is an absolute nightmare for the Feng Shui/numerology house hunter. A beautiful master bedroom becomes the child’s room, and turning the front bedroom and hall bath into a new master suite requires a lot of work. If the price isn’t right? Stay away. Remember, your fingers and your Feng Shui master are doing the talking here.

In the end, Nan and Tony choose the best house for the money. For the time being, they are using the bathroom sink to wash their dishes while they gut the first floor to create an open plan that’s Feng Shui-compliant. Do you wonder whether their methods suited their madness? The couple is as happy as the rating on the house. Every day it’s all rainbows and sunshine. What more could someone want from a new house that’s devoid of a kitchen and in the middle of a renovation? Absolutely nothing.

Tony was far more entertaining than this list let on. Here are my favorite quotes from the episode:

“Basically, it’s like the closest thing you get to those people on TV, just minus the Gucci suits and the physical attractiveness.” — Tony, talking about his job as a crime scene investigator.

“We’re really, really looking hard now. Ya know, cardboard box, whatever.” — Tony
“I think not.” — Nan

“It’s a great rule in life! TV must be larger than wife.” — Tony

“OK — there is a curtain, because I don’t really want to show my neighbors my goods.” — Tony

HH040414-3“Nan is even more of a scientist than I am, but she’s such a conundrum sometimes because then she’ll come home and start counting numbers with her knuckles.” — Tony

“In the end, knowing you, knowing me, knowing you — it’s the house next to the church.” — Tony

“I got to rip out carpet like a man.” — Tony

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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