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'Hart of Dixie' recap: Au revoir, Joel

Season 3 | Ep. 16 | “Carrying Your Love With Me” | Aired Apr 4, 2014

Like Zoe’s cross country relationship, the B and C stories of this episode were all over the map. Who would have guessed that the entire town of BlueBell, excluding the mayor, is fluent in French? And who knew that Lemon and George could steal Fancie’s, lose Fancie’s and win it back again in only 60 minutes? And for the love of all things good in this world, why isn’t Wilson Bethel shirtless? COME ON, CW! It’s been weeks since we had a six-pack spotting.

Thank goodness for Don Todd’s Monster Golf Safari. We always have that to look forward to.

The show opens with Zoe standing in front of a camera. She is making a naughty video for Joel to take with him when he leaves for L.A., where he will meet Soderbergh for lunch to discuss his movie deal before riding around a back lot in a golf cart, complaining about how craft services put chickpeas in his salad again. She tries to seductively remove her clothes, but the corset is unwilling to budge. Joel walks in and is immediately touched that his girlfriend took the time to dress up as Emily Brontë to perform a literary striptease. This took me by surprise, considering I thought Zoe was dressed up as a can-can girl so she could belt out the Christina Aguilera part of “Lady Marmalade.” My assumption totally makes sense due to the aforementioned French theme.

Zoe and Joel head to the Rammer Jammer for one last basket of fried fill-in-the-blank. Everyone is sad to see Joel go, but no one is more devastated than Tom Long (Ross Phillips), who convinces Zoe that the odds of she and Joel making a long-distance relationship work are not in their favor. Someone is going to end up eating poisoned berries in this scenario.

Joel promises that she will be the Katniss to his Peeta, and it’s settled that they will work hard to see each other every two weeks. At first glance, Zoe’s monthly countdown looks a bit like a suburban soccer Mom’s desk calendar, except play dates, book reports and dance recitals are replaced with “Send love letter,” “Shave legs” and “Make sexy video starring Louisa May Alcott.”

Between canceled flights and vicious stomach bugs, our love birds never manage to connect, and Zoe is left renovating their house alone. Even when they reunite at the airport, their tryst in the Camry is ruined by unyielding bucket seats, heads banging against windows and the unfortunate placement of a stick shift. Making out in cars can be tricky business. Unless you’re Wade Kinsella.

Joel leaves, and Zoe cries in the car, knowing that her romantic future does not look bright. Sadly, these feelings were confirmed when Zoe surprises Joel in L.A., only to find out that the movie has just been scheduled to shoot in London. Zoe insists that he choose the dream job over the dream girl before suggesting they go on a break.

Did you think of Ross Gellar when you read that sentence?

There was a sad wave from the back of a taxi. Zoe and Joel both know he will never return to BlueBell.

Meanwhile, Lemon has decided that she wants to purchase Fancie’s, and she needs George’s help. Naturally he refuses at first, but is quickly persuaded in favor of said business deal when Lily Anne Lonergan (Amy Ferguson) leases the restaurant, so she can wreak havoc on all who scorned her with nothing but an acoustic guitar. This list is made up of George and Wade. The guys join forces with Lemon to drive her out of town. And what better way to do this than to pretend Fancie’s is haunted?

To the Mystery Machine, Scooby!

Even though Lemon could have scared Lily Anne out of town with her awful, billowy pants, the boys insisted on playing sound clips of creaking floorboards and muffled moans on an MP3 player that Wade must have fished out of the lost-and-found box at the Rammer Jammer. It was about as sophisticated as that time the Brady kids tried to scare each other with a ghost made from Carol’s good sheets.

Carrying Your Love With MeFancie’s is soon ripped from Lemon’s manicured clutches when that random lawyer Connie serves her with papers suing the business partners for unlawful intimidation tactics. I’m not sure if that’s a real thing, but it doesn’t really matter, because after a few shots of tequila, they get the restaurant back. The most entertaining part of this entire exchange is when Wade decides that Lemon and George need a buffer since they fight all the time. Enter Meatball (Matt Lowe), complete with a sign that reads, “BUFFER.” I love a good Meatball storyline. MORE MEATBALL, PLEASE. Second place goes to Lemon waking up in George’s bed the next morning!

While Lemon and George are gettin’ busy on a boat, Rose (McKaley Miller) has invited BlueBell’s sister city from France to enjoy the Southern delights of their town. Lavon learns French so he can impress their town’s mayor, and even arranges for the Rammer Jammer to get a French makeover, including flags, fries, striped shirts and berets. He is depressed when a substitute homme waltzes in, confessing that the hot French mayor is home with her husband and children. Lavon is even more depressed when the Frenchman begins eying Annabeth. J’accuse!

In other news that no one really cares about, Brick (Tim Matheson) is vying for the coveted M.o.t.Y. award — Man of the Year. He kisses a lot of BlueBell butt and is secretly saddened when Joel is announced as the winner. Zoe accepts the award on his behalf and basically announces to everyone in Le Rammer Jammer that Joel is not coming back. She begins crying and runs off the stage and into her bed, where she smells the essence of her beloved in an old NYU tee. Her face may be distraught, but her bang braid is rockin’. Fortunately, every citizen of BlueBell storms into her bedroom, carrying the necessary essentials needed to survive a breakup: tissues, ice cream, a breakup pie, bagels and Scooby snacks.

Quaint Quips

Zoe: L.A. will grow on me. I’ll get implants and I’ll juice.

Tom: Lily Anne debuted four new songs last night: “Locked in the Shamrock,” “Sad Lawyer Rides Again,” “I Object” and “Sad Lawyer Rides Again, Again.”

Wade: She’s scared of kittens, hammocks, carbon monoxide, smoke, laryngitis, Norwegians and ghosts.

Rose: Every year a local men’s club, the BlueBell Owls, chooses a man of the year. It’s kind of like the Congressional Medal of Honor, but from a bunch of middle-aged men who like to hoot.

It’s time to be honest. Are you glad Joel is gone? Do you think Lemon and George will get back together? Do you want to know where Annabeth buys her clothes? Would you download Lily Anne’s live recording from Fancie’s if it actually existed? Sound off in the comments section!

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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