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'Hart of Dixie' recap: Long live Queen Lemon

Season 3 | Ep. 15 | “Ring of Fire” | Aired Mar 28, 2014

A breath of fresh air blew through BlueBell, Ala., last week. Sure, it was disguised in a vintage wardrobe, complete with kitten heels, starched petticoat, fire engine red lipstick and an unavoidable snark that makes you laugh whimsically at the writing, yet secretly file away a particular one-liner for future use.

That’s right, dear reader. With the return of Lemon Breeland (Jaime King) in the March 21 episode, Hart of Dixie seems to have found its charming footing again. I had no idea how much I missed Lemon until she popped back up on my television screen. With their favorite resident safely back within the city limits, the residents of BlueBell seem to have settled into their normal routine.

Translation? Wackiness ensues during a town festival.

Lemon is openly playing the field with two very different gentleman callers. Carter Covington is handsome and charming, wears monogrammed cuffs, has a rower’s body and a pedigree that could force Lemon’s daddy to book every June weekend at the church. Enrique is artistic, with a killer Latin accent and a certain panache that is translated through ubiquitous scarves. Even with BlueBellians proudly sporting “Team Carter” or “Team Enrique” t-shirts, Lemon is having trouble choosing between the comfort of Carter and the intrigue of Enrique.

It is therefore decided that Lemon’s suitors must duel for her hand at the town Renaissance Faire. As a born-and-raised citizen of a small Texas town — I was first runner-up at the Miss Hallsville Western Days pageant and jump roped for life at the adjacent city’s Fire Ant Festival — I can confirm that this is an obvious solution to this particular conundrum. Even Mayor Lavon Hayes (Cress Williams) promises that it will be epic. Not as epic as his tight maroon pants, but epic enough.

Hart of Dixie Queen LemonCarter and Enrique agree to fight for Lemon’s love, but neither show up in the totally tricked-out Renaissance Faire dueling arena. Sir Meatball soon arrives after convincing both Carter and Enrique that the other has mad skills when it comes to fighting. (Really, Hart of Dixie?) Lavon saves the day by dueling Sir Meatball and is quickly bestowed the honor of escorting Queen Lemon to Ye Olde Rammer Jammer.

In other news, Joel (Josh Cooke) hires Tansy’s backwood brothers to fix their newly purchased dump of a home to the surprise of Zoe (Rachel Bilson). Chicken, his name not the yard bird, falls from a ladder and later sues the writer and the doctor for the six figures that Joel is going to make from Warner Bros. buying the rights to his book. Zoe wants Channing Tatum to be cast as the lead. I would second that emotion. Joel wants us both to focus on the task at hand. What will they do?

George Tucker (Scott Porter) to the rescue! He convinces Zoe that all he has to do to win the case is show up wearing pants. The opposing attorney overhears and invites George to join her for drinks as a good will gesture. George’s ex-girlfriend Lily Anne Lonergan takes the stage for a rousing rendition of “Unlucky Tucky,” which could prompt him into another shame spiral of pizza, beer and a marathon of Don Todd’s Monster Golf Safari in the Shamrock Hotel.

Never fear. George arrives just in time to save the day with a bunch of legal talk. Case dismissed! Hurray for esquires!

Baby GoatThe third story arc barely held my attention, even though it involved my beloved Wade (Wilson Bethel). He wants to take Vivian (Lauren Bittner) on a romantic moonlight cruise and even arranges for Rose to babysit. I was just about to tap out when a precious baby goat enters the scene. Long story short — the goat must be liberated so it won’t be shish kebobbed next week. It’s stolen. It’s returned. And it’s stolen again.

Let the record show that Wade Kinsella looked adorable (in a hot way) holding that baby goat. Much like wearing sunglasses, I personally think that everyone looks better holding a baby goat.

Yeah. Small towns are awesome.

Quaint Quips

Lemon: Until you starting dating two guys at one time, your time management skills haven’t truly been tested.
Annabeth: You should sew that on a pillow.

Lemon: Enrique is one adventure after another, but what happens when the novelty wears off and we’re left with no common ground? I mean we’re more like a tiger and an Indian boy in a very small boat.

Lavon: Yeah, I didn’t get that movie either.

Lemon: If only I could put them in a blender and make a boyfriend smoothie.

Wade: We could take him to a goat spa where a small Korean man could give him a scrub.

George: I like to listen to ’90s R&B when I’m prepping for a trial.

So what did you think? Are you glad Lemon is single? Are you pumped that Joel might be moving to L.A.? Have you figured out that I’m Team Zade yet? Do you think that it’s a travesty that Wade hasn’t been shirtless in several episodes? Who was the mystery knight in shining armor who bought Annabeth a drink? Sound off in the comments section!

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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